


Maybe

by JesusCheese



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon Compliant, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 06:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21911212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesusCheese/pseuds/JesusCheese
Summary: "Joshua, are you in danger?""Everything's fine," he lied. He had it under control. Everything would be just. fine....Seventeen gets an abusive new manager and Joshua has everything under control. He swears he does.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Everyone, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Jeon Wonwoo, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Kim Mingyu, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Chan | Dino, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Seokmin | DK, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 222
Kudos: 676





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is fictional and has nothing to do with real life events. This is my original work, and any similarities to current works are coincidental. Hope you enjoy!

Joshua was one of the bravest of them all, and every member knew it.

He had moved to Korea to chase his dreams, just like Jun and Minghao. Hansol had lived in Korea since he was five, but being only half-Korean, pursuing a career like theirs was a whole different type of bravery. The thing that was different about Joshua, though was that despite his challenges of learning the ins and outs of Korea, battling homesickness, and pushing relentlessly to achieve his dreams, he still put every single member above himself.

Seungcheol and Jeonghan could see it when they checked the bedrooms at night and saw Chan curled into Jisoo’s side, tear tracks dried on his red cheeks. They could see it when he rested his head on Mingyu’s back, wrapping his arms around him and thanking him for cooking because he knew that sometimes, Mingyu really needed to be told he’s doing a good job. They could see it when he rubbed backs and supported heads as vomit hit the inside of the toilet bowl. They could see that he noticed things that most of them completely looked over.

Jisoo was consistently, reliably there for every one of them.

…

The new manager wasn’t anybody worth worrying about. He was tall- a couple inches more than even Mingyu with short, bristly hair and big cheerful eyes. When Seventeen finally met him, the man was wearing black jeans and a white dress shirt, unbuttoned just one too far, like he knew he was actively making them question their sexual orientation. He smiled brightly and spoke smoothly, voice as silky and deep as Wonwoo's on the rapper's best day.

With Mingyu's height, Jeonghan's eyes, Wonwoo's voice, and probably just about a million more of the members' best traits, it was a wonder that this man wasn’t an idol himself.

“Where are you from, Sejoon-ssi?” Seungkwan asked, hand still nestled in the elder’s baseball-mitt palm.

“Jeju,” Sejoon responded, tilting his head a bit. “I read you’re a native as well.”

“Yeah!” he exclaimed excitedly, patting Sejoon’s bicep happily. “That’s so cool! How long have you lived in Seoul?”

“I moved here after my service in the military...Not handsome enough to be an idol, so I went for the next best thing.”

“Oh, I doubt that,” Dokyeom chimed in, coming up behind Seungkwan. “You look just like an actor, Sejoon-ssi.”

He smirked, puffing out his chest a bit and reaching out a hand to mess up DK’s hair. The singer preened under the attention. “I can tell I’m gonna like you already.”

Then, he moved onto Joshua, extending his hand and bending in greeting. The man’s shoulder was even with Joshua’s nose. The American hadn’t really ever felt short in his lifetime- more of a run of the mill guy, but Sejoon made him feel absolutely minuscule. Maybe it was the way his pectorals peeked through his shirt or the way his biceps stretched the material. Put simply, the man was a powerhouse. Joshua couldn't help the bitter feeling of jealousy from forming in his gut. He internally scolded himself as he bowed. It wasn't like Sejoon chose to be perfect. It wasn't his fault. 

“It’s nice to meet you, I’m Joshua.”

“American?” he asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“From LA, yeah,” Joshua smiled. “Ever been to America, Sejoon-ssi?”

“Only once.”

Joshua nodded, glad that the guy at least seemed friendly. “You’ll be traveling a lot with us, hopefully. If we end up going to LA, I’ll make sure you see all the good stuff.”

Sejoon smiled, and Joshua faltered. So there was one imperfection to him. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. “I’ll hold you to it.” Joshua smiled pack, jealousy ebbing away. He had at least one advantage over Sejoon. He could smile and look like he meant it. Joshua had a very nice smile.

And that was that. Sejoon moved onto the next member and had a brief conversation with them before bidding them adieu as he left them to their practicing. Joshua liked the guy. He wasn’t mean and seemed to like them all a decent amount. If they absolutely needed a new manager, Sejoon would make a fine one.

Still, he couldn’t help his feelings of discomfort around a new manager when they’d been with their other since their debut. His wife had given birth to a baby boy, and he had gotten a new job. “Too much traveling,” he’d said with a crestfallen expression. “I need to be there for my family.”

As disappointing as it was, Joshua understood it. Above everything, he understood family.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this one! Thank you for your compliments on chapter one. They really push me to write!

Joshua walked out of his room, naked from the waist up with only a pair of joggers covering his legs. Trying to chase away his lethargy, he splashed cool water onto his face, rubbing harshly. He grabbed a random stick of deodorant and applied it, running a hand through his hair and trying to swoop it into something other than a rat’s nest. He gave up after about two tries.

“Morning, Shua.”

“Mornin’,” he yawned back at whoever had greeted him, grabbing a plate and taking a scoop of whatever was staying warm on the stove.

“Hey,” somebody barked at him, grabbing his wrist and causing him to spill a bit of food onto the stove. He didn't even have a chance to scold them before he was being ushered back towards the hallway to his room. “Go put a shirt on, manager’s here.”

That caused him to pause, taking a moment to identify who was pushing him and actually understanding what Wonwoo had said to him. Why would the manager be here so early in the morning?

“Good Morning, Joshua,” the low caramel voice said from across the kitchen. He was standing by the door, grinning a bit as Seungcheol went red beside him. Joshua covered himself up the best he could, turning a bit and putting his hands over his chest. Why hadn’t he announced his visit?

“I didn’t know you’d be here, Sejoon-ssi.”

“You can call me hyung. I think it’s only appropriate, now that I’ve seen you half naked.”

A sweatshirt hit the side of his head and he grabbed it, slipping it on easily and nodding in a silent thank you to Vernon, who shot him a thumbs up before continuing to eat his morning meal. God, his new manager had already seen his nipples. He cringed.

“What’s got you here so early, hyung?” Jisoo asked, trying to move things along. “Is there a special schedule that I don’t know about?”

“You’ve got a photoshoot, Woozi’s going to be working on some music and calling people in throughout the day, the performance team’s working on choreo...Nothing crazy. I feel that it's my duty as a manager to get comfortable with you and make you a better, more efficient team. If I want to expect hard work and diligence, I should put up with my part. Did your last manager not care enough to pick you up in the morning?”

“Well, he sent a driver and met us at the company,” Joshua answered as he scooped his food once more. “He was a great manager...just not one that came into our home in the morning.”

Sejoon picked at his nails. “This won’t have to be an everyday thing. I just thought that I could see where you all lived and say hello. I’ve already had a tour. Lovely place.”

That was a lie. It was messy and smelled of take out food and dirty laundry because they'd all been too busy to clean. But Joshua hummed anyways, scooping his meal into his mouth hungrily before washing his dishes. Sejoon had picked up a conversation with Seokmin, who’d somehow wrangled him into playing a game with him on his PS4. How that boy made friends with everybody who looked his way, Joshua did not know.

Mornings were hard for Joshua. He was tired, often grumpy, and reluctant to do much of anything unless he absolutely needed to. Sejoon’s visit was very much not how he would’ve liked to start his day. He hoped it wouldn’t be a common occurrence.

…

“Good, Joshua. A little to the left.”

He tilted.

“Perfect! Give me sexy, give me lip bite. Sexy! Amazing! Just a few more, here.”

A staff member walked onto the set, reaching out a hand and helping him off the ground where he’d been laying. “Good job today, Joshua. We've got some really stunning pictures.”

“Thank you,” he smiled softly, shaking the man’s hand. He followed him into the dressing room where his manager was waiting, scrolling through his phone. Today, he was wearing blue jeans and a long green shirt that once again, accentuated his muscle tone. Cocky bastard. The door closed softly. Joshua sighed, scratching his neck. "All done."

Sejoon looked up as if he'd just realized the new person in the room, pocketing his phone and grinning. Again, it didn't reach his eyes. “How’d it go?”

“Fine,” the American answered, shrugging. “It was just like most other photo shoots.”

“What was that kind of reaction?"

"What-"

"You think it’s a chore to do photoshoots?” he asked, genuine curiosity poking through his words. The words were aggressive, but the tone was all wrong.

Joshua turned to meet his eye, considering his question. “I think that of all aspects of being an idol, photo shoots are not high ranking on the favorites list. Especially solo shoots.”

He scoffed “And why’s that?”

“One, I'd much rather be on stage or preparing to be on stage. I feel like music should be the most important part of an idols career, and often times, it's overlooked in favor of...pictures or variety shows. Two," he finally began, finishing his short rant and preventing himself from becoming a rambling mess. The pitfalls and downsides of the idol industry could be addressed another day. "I don’t really like showing off my body in front of strangers. I’m no good at acting good for a camera.”

He chuckled. “Don’t like showing your body in front of strangers, huh?” he smiled, eyes crinkling. Joshua slapped him with the sleeve of his shirt, laughter bubbling into his chest. Sejoon did have a contagious laugh.

“Come on, you know that was an accident. It's not my fault you showed up at six am, is it?”

“Alright, alright, I should've announced my visit...but in a normal day, is that how you dress? You're just..naked around all of the other boys."

Joshua frowned as he fumbled with the latch on his necklace. "I had pants on...but we've lived with eachother for years at this point, hyung. I've seen them all naked. Do you have any brothers?"

"Don't you think that's a bit...gay?"

Joshua scoffed, dropping the latch. "Are you insulting us?"

"Have you ever kissed one of them?"

That crossed the line. He had been toeing it for a while, but asking if they made out- what was his deal? "We're brothers. If one of us was gay, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but asking- no, insinuating that we're in some kind of...romantic relationship, that's crossing the line. You're our manager, and you're new to the industry, so I'll tell you how gay rumors go. Gay rumors start petitions to kick members from groups. Gay rumors end careers and end entire groups. With respect, hyung, you absolutely cannot be asking those things."

Sejoon was quiet for a moment, taking in his response. "How about the clothes? Do you like them?”

He looked down at his outfit, a lavender flowing dress shirt with dark maroon pants. “What about them?”

“I mean, they’re dressing you and you don’t really get a say in it. Don’t you think they’re trying to make you look more feminine than you already do? You know, with the purple dress and makeup and stuff.”

He looked up and made a face, mood souring instantly. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t curse at me,” the man snapped back, standing and advancing on the singer. “I was only asking a question. I’m your manager.”

“You called me feminine,” Joshua retorted.

“You misinterpreted me,” he objected. “First, you thought I was calling you gay. Then feminine. I was only trying to have a conversation, I swear. It’ll be no fun if we’re at each other's throats all the time. I’m sorry if you thought I was taking it too far.”

Sejoon was weird. He rubbed Joshua the wrong way and gave him the feeling that he was up to no good- like he was living a fantasy of being a manager instead of doing his job. Joshua was reluctant to drop the argument after he’d been blamed for the jab and robbed of an apology, but Sejoon did have a point. If he started fighting with the one man he’d be surrounded by for the foreseeable future, his life would be hell. It was only right to do what was best for himself and the team. 

“Maybe purple isn't my color after all, huh?” He tried to lighten the mood after it had been killed so quickly.

Sejoon nodded with an unclear expression, going outside for Jisoo to change and clapping him on the shoulder, leaving him only with the stinging print of his hand and a heart that ached from the stab of the insult.

He took a deep breath and began to change. Joshua Hong was great, no matter what Sejoon said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seems slow, but stick with it! It picks up soon!  
> Have a good day/night!


	3. Chapter 3

The first week was very much a normal seven days in the life of Seventeen. Sejoon hadn’t stopped by in the morning again, instead showing up in front of the building at the same time every morning to pick them up, counting heads before taking off, glancing back at them through the mirror occasionally.

Hoshi had gotten halfway through a choreography to the halfway finished song Jihoon had been working on. They’d gone to a small awards ceremony and performed one of their older numbers, not winning anything of worth but getting a mention as best performer. It was something.

“Okay, I’m going to hold a meeting with each of you individually today to assess your current state- singing, rapping, dancing, health, that kind of stuff. If I deem one of you lacking in a certain area, I’ll have you stay behind after the rest of you go home just to get a little bit of one on one time. Do any of you have questions?”

Joshua looked around at the members filling Sejoon’s small office with the big window facing the city. They seemed just as confused as he did.

“Isn’t that the job of the coaches and choreographers?” Hoshi asked. “I mean, no offense, but your main job is to manage our schedules, not judge our abilities, right? Our old manager never did.”

He smiled. “I was expecting a bit of a period of adjustment, but I guess I’ll have to say it out front. I want you boys to be better than you ever were before, and if that means that I have to do what your old manager never did, I will. I’ll say this one time because I do not like repeating myself- do not compare me to him.”

“I don’t really think that was what he was asking,” Seungcheol defended him, voice kind but still firm. “Who are you to teach us dancing and singing when you’re a...a-”

“A glorified babysitter?” Joshua murmured. There were gasps and pursed lips, but most of them remained silent, grimacing and mentally berating their member.

Sejoon stood, knocking a hand on his wooden desk and looking up to Joshua’s hung head. “Is there something you’d like to say to me?”

“No,” he whispered.

“No, what?”

“No, Sejoon-ssi. I’m sorry.”

Sejoon nodded. “I am here for all of you, but do not think of me as your friend. Your success is my responsibility. In order to achieve that, we need mutual respect. These little meetings are supposed to develop our relationship and check up on you. And to answer your question, Soonyoung, I attended Seoul Institute of the Arts and Majored in Vocal Performance and Hip Hop. When I told you that I was almost an idol, I wasn’t kidding. Trust me, boys, and we’ll all do wonderfully. That’s all. Let’s have a good day of practicing, alright? Fighting!”

There were a few murmured ‘thank you’s as they left.

“Joshua, hang back for a moment.”

Vernon patted his shoulder and guided Minghao out, though the Chinese man obviously felt nervous about the situation. Eventually, the door fell closed on the two men. Tension filled the air like humidity, hot and sticky and unsettling.

“What’re you so pissed about, huh?”

Joshua’s eyebrows had shot up. “I- uh- excuse me?”

“It it because you thought I insulted your masculinity at the photo shoot? Are you seriously holding a grudge about that?”

“No, I mean, I’m not upset about that. I wouldn’t be!”

“Then what’s making you so mad at me that you would insult me in front of every single person that’s supposed to follow, listen to, and respect me. What would possess you to do that?”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know. I just...I guess it’s an off day. I never should’ve said it.”

“I’ll let you off with it this time because I know you’re having a rough day, but I won’t be so forgiving next time. Disrespect in the workplace is usually answered with unpaid leave. Can’t really suspend you, can I?”

“No, sir.”

“If you were in the military, I’d beat the snot out of you. If you’re having a rough day, you can talk to me instead of spitting at my feet. You’re dismissed; go practice.”

“Thank you, hyung. I’m sorry again.”

“Go. Don’t be late for your meeting today. The times are posted outside the conference room.”

“Of course.”

The door closed with a thunk again and Joshua raced as fast as he could away from his office, shaking his head and chastising himself over and over again inside his head. What the fuck had he been thinking, calling his own damn manager a babysitter? God, Seungcheol was going to have his ass.

…

Seungcheol hadn’t even spoken to him, only glaring at the mirror as he learned. Joshua tried to follow along but was much too preoccupied with the fury evident in the leader’s eyebrows and the tightness of his shoulder. A stupid comment. So stupid. Thank god Sejoon had forgiven him despite his idiocy.

When he told Seungcheol the same news, the eldest was relieved but still not completely forgiving. “What kind of example do you think you’re setting?” he asked, hands on his hips. “I don’t want a reason for your comment, I just want your promise that you’re not going to do something that bloody moronic again.”

“I swear, Cheol. It was an accident. I was just so-”

“I told you I don’t want a reason. Don’t fuck up our relationship with one of the few people who’ll make us the best that we’ll ever be. Haven’t you seen a change already with him? How attentive he is?”

“He’s pretty invested, yeah.”

“That’s a good thing, Joshua." He laid a hand on his shoulder. "You should listen to him.”

He nodded, hands held politely in front of him. “I’m sorry again.”

“Don’t tell me. Show me.” He rubbed his shoulder and lightly gripped his neck, fingers tugging a bit at the strands of hair there as he pulled away. Seungcheol had forgiven him, too. He calmed down a bit. Somehow, affection from his members always made him melt. He hoped the whole situation would die down so he could snuggle with whoever was lying on the couch that night.

…

“Hello again, Joshua. How’s your day been?”

“Fine,” he murmured quietly, standing in a different practice room with Sejoon sitting opposite him. “How’s yours?”

“Just wonderful. The first thing I’d like to do is ask about you. Any injuries, worries, problems lately?”

“No, nothing I can think of.”

“What about what happened today? Have you been feeling irritable and argumentative a lot?”

“Uhh, I mean...I don’t think so,” he stuttered, not expecting the question.

“Just around me, then?” Sejoon breathed, writing something down.

“No, it’s not-”

“Okay, if you don’t have any complaints, let’s go to vocals. Do you know the new song?”

“Not perfectly. I only learned it for a moment a few days ago.”

He wrote another thing down, pulling out a paper of lyrics and notes. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Joshua cleared his throat, looking through the lyrics and feeling relief as it came back to him. He sang his part without a hitch, voice porcelain and sharp, piercing through the air.

“Awesome. You’re just as good as I anticipated,” Sejoon praised him, taking the paper back. “Make sure to have it memorized soon. No papers on stage, are there?”

Joshua giggled. “No, not quite.”

“Dancing, now. You all learned the dance in class today, Jun told me.”

Shit. He hadn’t even been paying attention in class today, too focused on how Cheol would react to his outburst. What was he supposed to do?

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite know the dance.”

“Just do the bit you know. Five six, five six seven eight.”

He froze, chest tightening in embarrassment. God, he really couldn’t do anything right, even when Sejoon had fucking forgiven him earlier. “I think I’ll need some more work on dancing. I just...I haven’t got a clue.”

“And how does dancing rank on your list?”

“What?”

“Your list of favorite parts about being an idol. Photoshoots are low, you said. From what I can tell, you don’t care much about learning to dance, either.”

“No, that’s not it. I was just shaken up, so-”

“We’ll work on it tonight. A pretty face and voice won’t add to the team if you’re not going to even try to learn dancing. Tonight you’ll learn the dance, no matter how long it takes. I’ve learned it fully and I don’t even get the privilege,” he stresses, ”-the privilege to be an idol. There are so many who would kill to be in your position. Make sure you deserve it, pretty boy.”

Joshua’s vision went red. “I’ll see you tonight,” he bit out, grabbing his jacket and storming out, hands shaking in rage. 

Partly, he was angry with himself, knowing that he had a meeting coming up and blanking during practice. Mostly, he was angry with his situation. Sejoon wasn’t even wrong when he called him out. He could’ve done it in a nicer way, sure, but that wouldn’t have dismissed the main lesson- he was falling behind. Had he always been this lacking? Had nobody been brave enough to actually tell him that he was dragging everybody else down?

He just wanted to go home and sleep for a hundred years. The day was dragging him by the wrists, feet scraping behind. And it was his own damn fault. Joshua Hong would fix his mistakes to be just as great as the rest of them. He’d catch up. It was only one dance. 

Joshua Hong would be great.


	4. Chapter 4

“I meant to ask earlier- did any of the other members get called back for extra practice?”

“Hmm?” the manager groaned, looking down at his clipboard. “Oh, yeah. Mingyu and Vernon have singing practice and Jeonghan asked to have a dancing lesson.”

“Really? You’re having the rappers work on singing?”

He stared blankly at Joshua. “Yes, as a matter of fact, if that’s alright with you, Joshua?”

He was in a bad mood. That was easy enough to tell. “I was only asking because...I don’t know, it seemed weird.”

“I talked with Jihoon and he said he might want to have them sing in the upcoming album. I’m preparing them for that...Believe it or not, pretty boy, I know what I’m doing.”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“What? Pretty boy? Do you think you’re not pretty, Joshua Hong?” He inched closer, not quite touching but definitely intruding into Joshua’s personal space.

“I’d just rather you refer to me as Joshua, hyung,” he responded, voice tight and not allowing room for argument.

“Well you didn’t get into Seventeen because you’re Joshua Hong, now did you? Joshua Hong isn’t too charming. Pretty boy’s at least got his looks.” He sneered, eyes searching Joshua’s for any act of retaliation.

Joshua poked his tongue into his cheek, face dusted red with anger. He couldn’t have another outburst after this morning. “I’m here to dance. Please teach me.”

“Thank you,” Sejoon smiled, clapping a hand on the back of his neck and turning him toward the mirror. “I appreciate you coming here, Joshua. If we work hard enough, you’ll be out of here by twelve. And tomorrow’s an off day, right? Let’s put in the work now so you don’t have to come back tomorrow too.”

“I’m ready to learn,” he gritted out bitterly.

“Great. Drop the attitude.”

Joshua wanted to scoff. 

He didn’t.

…

“How was your practice?”

Joshua froze, gasping in the dark living room. He’d gotten home at nearly two am, exhausted and sore and angry at Sejoon’s comments. Yet, he’d learned the dance near perfectly. Maybe he even knew it better than Hoshi himself.

“I learned the dance,” he informed the shape on the couch, sitting next to it and realizing it was Jeonghan. “He may not be a decent human being, but he’s a damn good teacher.”

“Do you suppose that he’s still mad about what happened during the meeting?” He ran his fingers through Joshua’s hair, knowing how much he liked it when he was stressed.

“I don’t know, he said he wasn’t...I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot.”

“Hopefully you’ll become closer over time then, huh? Have you got any more dance lessons with him?”

“Yeah, for the rest of the week we’ll work on it.”

“I thought you learned it.”

He chuckled, standing up and getting his balance on his sore joints. “Not well enough. He said that if I put in more work, I’d dance way better than I ever had.”

Jeonghan wrapped an arm around his shoulder, guiding him to bed. “You know you’re already so good, don’t you? You’re the best, Shua.”

“He just wants me to be better, that’s all. He hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him. Reason to dislike him? Sure, but...he’s gonna make me better.”

“Where you acting so different? You always seemed to hate him.”

“He taught me the whole dance in one night, Han. I think he’s somebody who can help. Goodnight.”

Jeonghan paused in the hallway, wondering why Joshua’s mood had changed so drastically. Sejoon must’ve really had a good impression on him. “...Night.”

“Oh, and,” he paused, slapping the doorframe. “Thank you...For waiting for me.”

“Of course.”

…

The next morning was a slow one. Minghao walked into Joshua’s room, knocking softly as he entered to wake the elder. Normally, the roles were reversed, but he’d been absent that morning.

“Hyung? Are you still asleep?” Joshua was dozing, eyes closed and features relaxed. His arms were resting above his head, messy hair all over his pillow. His chest rose and fell steadily. “Hey, wake up.” As soon as he touched the American’s cheek, Joshua sprung up, nearly throwing Minghao off the bed. “Shit! Hyung!”

“Minghao- hey, are you alright? Shit, what time is it? I’m sorry. Here, just-”

“I’m fine. It’s fine. We’re leaving in ten minutes.” Minghao righted himself from his near plummet. Joshua groaned, holding his hand against his eyes. He looked odd- this wasn’t how Joshua usually acted in the morning. “Are you okay? You look…”

“Tired?”

“Yeah. Tired.” Minghao answered awkwardly.

“I had a late practice last night,” Joshua admitted, rubbing his chest and clearing his throat a bit, throwing off the blue duvet. “I’m fine.”

“How late?”

“It’s not a big deal, Hao,” he smiled, grabbing his head with both hands and planting a kiss into his hair. “Scoot so I can change.”

“Okay...Hey, I’ll make you some oatmeal for your way out.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get a snack at the company building.”

“Are you sure?” he asked tentatively. Joshua usually tried to get a meal each morning, especially when the food at the company building was all unhealthy and unsatisfying. “It wouldn't be a problem for me. I’m not doing anything.”

“I said not to worry,” he said firmly. He slipped his thumbs into his waistband and discarded his pants, grabbing another as Minghao made his exit. He sat next to Jun in the living room, leaning on his shoulder.

“Don’t say anything to Joshua today. He’s being weird,” Minhao sulked.

“He’s probably tired. Han told me he came back from practice at like two last night. Just give him some space.”

The younger hummed against his shirt, scrolling through his phone. Whatever it was, Joshua would have to get over it. All Minghao had done was try to help him.

…

Joshua found himself keeping up completely with the dance, hitting every move confidently and with such conviction that he convinced even himself that he knew what he was doing. He was no longer holding the group behind. He was just as good as everybody else. Joshua Hong was doing great. He smiled at Sejoon, stood in the corner of the room and watching him with a happy look. He gave him a bright smile and a thumbs up that made Joshua want to fall on the floor right there.

Sejoon was one hard bastard to please, and Joshua had done it. Their practice that night would be great. He’d improve even further. All thanks to Sejoon. He hit the ending pose, chest rising and falling in time with the rest of them.

“Amazing job guys. Joshua, much better than yesterday. Keep at it!”

He bowed at the choreographer, avoiding the glances from the other members. They tried not to get competitive with each other, but occasionally it was inevitable. They all wanted to be the best member, the one with the most compliments from coaches. It was all purely friendly competition, though. Of course it was. Right? They couldn’t possibly be angry at him. No. Joshua Hong was great and the choreographer knew it. Sejoon knew it. 

“Let’s get back at it in three. Have a drink and be on the floor. I’m looking at you Mingyu.”

Mingyu waved his arm at the man, rolling his eyes and grinning at the floor. No. Nobody was mad at Joshua. Because he was finally great. Not holding back anybody.

…

“Hey, you were great at practice today,” Sejoon spoke as soon as he entered the room. “Looks like our little practice paid off, huh?”

“Yes, thank you so much for helping me,” he responded sincerely. Maybe he was wrong for being so harsh earlier. He should apologize. “I’m sorry for being so reluctant in the beginning. You’re a great teacher, hyung.”

Sejoon smiled brightly at him. “I’m glad you think so. Let’s go over the dance again to refine it. You don’t learn something after one time, do you?”

“Didn’t I do it well enough today during practice?”

It was like a switch had flipped in Sejoon’s mind- once complementary and loving, then resentful and angry. “Are you seriously going to do this again?”

Joshua reeled. He thought he was getting somewhere with him. It was almost comical how quickly his mood could switch. Joshua often found himself thinking that he was being filmed by a hidden camera. This dude had to be pulling an act. “Excuse me? You just told me how great I was doing. Why should we have to go over the same-”

“Shut up!” he screamed, advancing on Joshua quick enough that the American had to stumble back in fear. Would Sejoon hit him? The manager sighed, hands on his face. “Joshua,” he hissed. “I am trying here. I really am. I made your dancing marginally better, but there is so much more to do. What more do I have to do to convince you of that? Do you have to get yelled at by your members when you’re the reason they don’t get a performance award at a show?”

“They would never-”

“Would they really? I saw the way they looked at you today in practice. The jealousy over your improvement but most of all the appreciation of you actually trying. What would you do without me? They would despise your laziness.”

“You are not the only reason I am succeeding, Sejoon-ssi,” he dared. “I am the reason I’m succeeding.”

“I bet that pretty mouth of yours did more than just sing to get in.”

Joshua didn’t know what overtook him. One second, he was being called a slut by his manager and the next his hand was stinging from its contact on Sejoon’s face. He gasped, hands over his mouth, stricken at what he’d done to the man. He’d just been arguing with him, that was all. Joshua never slapped people; it wasn’t in his nature. How could he-

His toes left the ground, his back met a wall, and an arm was pressed to his throat. Two eyes, bright and angry, glared directly into his. They were no longer friendly and chocolate but hard, sharp, livid. “Do not lay your hands on me again, pretty boy, or you won’t like what happens. The last time you insulted me, I let it go because you deserve a chance to see your boundaries. I’m beginning to think I made a mistake.”

“Don’t...call...me-”

He was dropped onto the ground, regaining his breath. “Don’t call me a slut.”

“How about this- we talked about mutual respect, right?”

Joshua rubbed his throat, glaring. “I’m not talking to you.”

“You don’t have to. Just listen. Don’t insult me, don’t undermine my authority, don’t question my teachings, and you’ll be better than you ever were. Your team will admire you endlessly. If you do decide to treat me like shit or mess up when I’m teaching you everything you need to know, I’ll treat you like shit right back. Understood?”

“Fuck you.”

“Great. Let’s dance.”

…

Joshua hadn’t gotten out until three that time, bursting into the dorm in a fit of rage and throwing his coat to the floor. He wanted to curl up on the couch and just cry until he had no tears left, but he fucking couldn’t because he’d wake everybody up. Sejoon had touched him- hurt him. Hadn’t hit him, really, just...restrained him. What the hell was he supposed to make of that?

Joshua had hit him first, and that was his mistake, but...he couldn’t- wouldn’t stand for somebody insinuating that he’d had sex with management to become a singer when he’d worked his ass off for everything- everything- he was given. Tears welled up and he angrily wiped them away. He very much did not like Sejoon.

At least they’d somewhat come to an agreement. As long as Joshua could keep his impulsive mouth shut, Sejoon would teach him and nothing else. He’d given Joshua more than enough chances to be kind and he’d failed nine times out of ten. He was being an absolute horror for the man.

Did he wish for the old manager? Did he wish for his old self, unmotivated, a burden to his brothers?

He found it impossible to day that Sejoon’s presence in his life had caused more harm than good. And if the good outweighs the bad...well, that was just fine by him. The members would benefit, and he would no longer hold them back. That night, battling tears as he leaned against the wall, he realized that he would have to listen to Sejoon’s rules, play Sejoon’s game for the sake of everybody.

Even if he was a bitter asshole, Sejoon would make Joshua Hong great.


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing happened after the incident. Joshua would take his extra practices, learn more than any of them ever could, and go to sleep; the same cycle every day. He didn’t mention what had been said about him to any of the members or Sejoon himself. It seemed like all of the rising conflict had come to a standstill, and Joshua was just fine with that. There was no sense blowing everything up for a mere confrontation between the two of them.

On Saturday, he finally got to sleep in until their interview at ten. 

There was a warm body touching his back and murmuring across the room. He allowed himself to wake up fully but kept his eyes closed. Maybe, the sweet nothingness of sleep would recapture him and let him rest just a little while longer.

“Shh,” somebody in the room hissed- Chan, by the sound of it. “Hyung’s still asleep.”

“He never sleeps this late. He wasn’t even at breakfast,” another pouted. Seungkwan.

“I’ll wake him up if you go heat him up some pancakes. Get out of his hair for a little while, shoo.”

“But hyung, we-”

“Out. Come on, just for a few minutes.”

They grumbled but eventually the door opened and closed and the room was silent. The body beside him shifted and there was a hand in his hair, sending a chill down his spine. He turned to Jeonghan- those fingers could only be his- and pressed his face into his hip, whining a bit.

“Tired, my pretty Shua?”

“Don’t call me that,” he spoke into the fabric of Jeonghan’s pajama pants and throwing an arm over his lap, pulling them impossibly closer. It always felt nice to wake up with somebody beside you. “I’m so sleepy.”

“You’ve been working hard at nights; we’ve all seen it. Why don’t you tell Sejoon that you need a few nights off, huh? We miss our Shua.”

Joshua hummed, chest filling with pride. They know that he’s good. They see that he’s becoming better. Sejoon made his members see how good he was. “Can’t take a day off.” He pulled his head up and laid it on Jeonghan’s stomach instead, letting the steady rise and fall calm him. He’d been so, so drained lately. 

But he’d been so good.

“Sejoon knows how to make me better,” he yawned, getting comfortable and pulling up the duvet to his chin and over Jeonghan’s legs. He could stay like this forever.

“Sejoon,” Jeonghan began, “is not what makes you good. Come on, let’s get ready.”

“Do we have to so soon?” Joshua whined, wrapping himself tighter around Jeonghan. He smiled and slipped his hand under the back of his loose shirt, rubbing his palm up and down Joshua’s warm spine.

“Come on, we’ve only got thirty minutes, and you need to shower before we leave. We’re not going to the company building, remember? No shower there.”

“Fine, fine,” he grumbled, pushing himself up and hesitating, waiting for the blood to get to his brain. That was one downfall of never sleeping enough- he was constantly dizzy, constantly tired, constantly out of it. For a week, Joshua would be fine. He could manage it like he’d done countless times before. He only hoped that Sejoon would call off their extra practices some didn’t completely fall apart.

…

The interview was long, almost excruciatingly slow. Normally, Joshua would do his best to be involved, to laugh at the right places and to contribute to the topics, all of which ranged from their musical inspiration to their favorite colors and foods. He found it hard to focus. Instead of doing his best to keep up, he just let the conversation take off without him.

He’d actually been practicing keeping his opinions to himself lately. He found it much easier that way, with Sejoon and in general. A quiet Joshua was a compliment Joshua, and a compliant Joshua was good.

“Joshua.”

“Hmm?”

“He was asking a question,” Chan giggled, face looking cheerful but Joshua could see beneath it. He was upset and nervous and worried- all things that didn’t look good on the youngest.

“Oh,” Joshua breathed, realizing that Chan wasn’t just upset. He was upset because of him. Why the hell was he mad at Joshua? “Sorry,” he directed at the interviewer, who was smiling patiently. “I just kind of spaced out a bit. Could you repeat yourself?”

“I was asking about your experiences in America and how they compared to…”

She continued on and Joshua answered quickly, using as few words as possible to get the same message across. He suddenly felt eyes on him and glanced behind the camera at Sejoon, crossing his arms and looking mighty unhappy. God, he’d opened his mouth again and fucked up- see, it always pissed Joshua off that Sejoon and the members wanted opposite things.

Sejoon liked to see him succeed and stopped at nothing to make him better. The members were jealous of him and tried to get him to stop improving. Sejoon set clear boundaries and expectations, had fair punishments for disrespect and mistakes. The boys never actually told Joshua what they wanted- only grew short with him and snuggled him in bed and tried to get him to call of his practice.

And it had almost worked, too! Joshua had been yearning for less practice, but with this newfound information- hell, he’d be the best goddamn Seventeen member there was. He ground his teeth together and looked down when a hand landed on his knee- Minghao. He flicked it off and continued looking at the camera, ignoring the boys beside him. He just wanted to get through the damn interview.

…

“Joshua, what’s your problem?” Mingyu asked, not even bothering to speak politely. He was majorly upset.

“Watch it,” Jun warned but did not defend the American. “If you’re gonna call him out, at least use proper manners.”

Joshua stood by the door, not saying anything to the twelve other boys around him. They were all looking at him with expressions ranging from boredom to anger to pity. Mingyu was definitely not the only angry member.

“You were totally rude today. We kept trying to include you in the conversation and you didn’t care enough to even try,” Seokmin stood up. “I hate to gang up on you, but I agree with Mingyu.”

“And I saw the way you pushed off Minghao’s hand, hyung,” Hansol added. “You know I’m on your side, but...that was just a dick move.”

“And what if the cameras had caught it?” Mingyu added.

“Guys, it’s fine,” Minghao tried, stepping up. “Really, it’s-”

“Everybody sit the hell down,” Seungcheol demanded, making the group go silent. “Joshua, what happened today? It’s not fair for all of us to yell at you without considering your point of view.”

Joshua scoffed. “Like any of you would actually listen.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeonghan asked, face concerned. “You knew we’d listen to you no matter what.”

“Good to know. It doesn’t mean I have to tell you shit.” Joshua himself was surprised by his choice of words- the tone of pure resentment that dripped from the syllables. He’d never been an angry person, never taken his frustrations out on the group, especially Jeonghan. Out of all of them, never Jeonghan. They were best friends, for god’s sake, and he’d just metaphorically slapped him in the face.

Mingyu was in his face in seconds and Joshua flinched back, expecting a strike from his powerful arms. Chan held the rapper back despite the obvious difference in height.

“Who do you think you are, screwing an interview and making us look like the assholes, huh? Don’t you realize that not everything revolves around you? You’re tired from practice- fine. We’re all tired, Joshua. You don’t get to-”

“Mingyu, enough.” Seuncheol stepped in between them, facing Joshua. “We’re going to leave, and you need to get a ride back with the staff. While you’re alone, I want you to think about what your problem is, because unless you’re willing to give us an apology and a reason, well...I’m afraid that Mingyu’s right. You really are being an asshole. Let’s go.”

Joshua watched them all escape from the room like water through a drain, smiling once he was alone He knew exactly who he needed to talk to in that moment, and it sure as hell wasn’t one of them.

...

“What the hell was that?” Sejoon hissed, closing his office door. “Why weren’t you paying attention?”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s not what I asked!” Sejoon advanced on him, towering and quivering with anger. “I’m responsible for you. You made me look like a moron.”

“I realized something, hyung,” Joshua dared, holding his breath in case he was yelled at. He’d grown accustomed to the raised voice over the past week.

“What?” he growled.

“You’re happy for me when I do well, right?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He folded his arms, standing back. He was in the mood for conversation tonight. That was good.

“My members aren’t happy when I succeed. I can tell. Hyung, you…” Joshua looked up to meet his eye. “I think you’re the only one who’s not trying to make me fail. Everybody else is just...jealous.”

“You think so?”

“I know so! At the beginning, you said...you said I was holding them down, and I was. Then, I started working with you, and after a week, I already see signs of them being jealous of me. Even today, they all attacked me for keeping my mouth shut like you always say. What’s so bad about me learning?”

“Nothing...Joshua, you’re the best one of them, I can see it. You’re finally starting to see it too. Who got you there, huh?”

“What?” Joshua asked, tilting his head a bit. “What do you mean?”

“I’m the one who’s helped you the most, right? Not one of them. Not Hoshi- he couldn’t teach you to dance, could he?”

“No, but…” He didn’t quite see where the conversation was going. Just because he was mad at the members didn’t mean that they never helped him.

“It wasn’t Seungcheol. He couldn’t call you out when you were bad. It wasn’t Jeonghan because he wasn’t brave enough to take you on and teach you to be great. Who helped you the most to become who you are right at this very moment?”

Joshua cleared his throat, thinking. Did Sejoon actually have a point? He’d been spending a lot of time with him, and he knew that Sejoon would try this often- the whole ‘I’m your success’ speech...It hadn’t truly made sense until that moment. “I guess it’s you, hyung....” He paused. “You’ve helped me the most.”

Sejoon wrapped him up in a hug, and Joshua fought the urge to push away. He’d never in a million years thought that he’d come into such close contact with the man he’d thought was just so horrible.

More than that, he never thought that he’d melt in the touch, the positive affection enough to bring tears to his eyes. Even if his members were mad at him, Sejoon wasn’t. 

Sejoon was one of the few people that fully supported Joshua Hong.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ateez came out with a new song recently called Answer, and I recommend it! Even if you don't stan Ateez (you should. They're incredibly talented) please go give it a listen. You might like what you hear!

“We won’t have a practice tonight,” Sejoon decided finally, letting Joshua loose from his hold. “I’ll let you have your Saturday off.”

Joshua’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Really? Well, I guess...I guess I should just go home, then.” His sentence finished with a raise in pitch, making it sound more like a question than a declaration. He really didn’t want to face everybody just then.

“You can stay here,” Sejoon offered, seemingly knowing exactly what Joshua was feeling. “Remember, this is a reward. Stay in my office tonight; you can have the couch.”

“Do you normally stay here at night?” Joshua asked, taking a seat carefully. Sejoon’s mood was always on a hairpin trigger, so easily manipulated by the smallest of mistakes. He wanted to keep him happy, keep him talking. 

Since when did he want to make Sejoon happy? When had that become his main goal?

“I don’t go home very often,” he admitted. “Ever since…”

“Since what?” he prodded gently.

“Since my wife passed away,” Sejoon admitted, falling into his desk chair. “I poured myself into being better and now, I finally get the chance to help you do the same. I’m going to make you worth more than your little tiny body because I know how short life really is. I don’t want you to go to waste.”

Joshua swallowed thickly. That was a lot to take on all at once. “Did you...have any children?”

“She was pregnant when she died...my baby’s name was Sejin.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.” It was odd to listen to him speak, so detached. Maybe that was just how he dealt with the trauma. Whatever it was, it made Joshua uncomfortable. He wished he’d never opened the can of worms. “You know, I appreciate your offer, but it’s already close to ten, and the boys will be expecting me, so-”

“Just give them a call and let them know you’re staying here.”

“My phone’s with them,” he lied, pushing the device further down in his back pocket. He couldn’t see himself staying the night with Sejoon. The whole atmosphere suddenly bothered him when it was once so comforting- the shadows cast by his one lamp, the old creaky couch, the bare walls and minimal decorations. “I’ll find my way home, hyung, it’s really not a big deal.”

Sejoon studied him, leaned back as Joshua stood awkwardly by the door. “Is this because I told you about my family? I opened up to you and you spit in my face again?”

“What? Of course not! I just need to get back so that I can-”

“Can what?” he exploded, standing with tears in his eyes. Joshua had never thought that he had the capacity to cry. “Can go home and tell all of those people who envy you- who, who hate you that I’m just a traumatized widower? Is that it?”

“No! Hyung, I swear, I wouldn’t tell anyon- ah!”

He held his hand up to the stinging cheek, looking at Sejoon with bright eyes as he cried into his hands. Is this how Sejoon himself had felt the first time Joshua smacked him? He could feel the tingle in the shape of Sejoon’s large hands, so large that his palm covered nearly half of his face. Joshua was completely at his mercy, and yet...he just stood there, crying. Joshua had really screwed up this time.

He wrapped his arms around the giant, shaking with adrenaline as he leaned his head on his muscular chest. He just had to get him to calm down. Joshua had made him worked up as he talked about his family. Stupid, he never should’ve pried.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Joshua spoke. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. Please stop crying. I’ll stay here tonight. I’ll do anything just...please stop crying. I feel so horrible.”

“You’ll stay?” Sejoon asked, wiping his eyes.

“Anything.” What else could he say? He reminded the man of his destroyed family. A night in a creepy office wouldn’t kill him. He could talk to his members in the morning.

“Okay,” Sejoon murmured, walking to the door and locking it, wiping his eyes. “Thank you, Joshua. You’re the only person I have left.”

“Of course,” he breathed, taking a spot on the couch, hands trembling. “It’s the least I could do.”

He clicked his phone off when it started to vibrate in his pocket. There was no telling what Sejoon would do if he found that Joshua was lying to him after everything else that he’d done. He always did this, making things worse for himself. Sejoon, despite this, understood him. 

It felt nice to finally be understood.

…

“Yah, Joshua!”

Joshua held his fingers to his lips, closing the door quietly behind him. Sejoon was sleeping heavily on the couch that Joshua had vacated as soon as the older man had fallen asleep. Through the night, he’d debated going home or even calling one of the members, but the risk was too big. Plus, it seemed that Sejoon needed him there.

So he stayed. Even though he knew there would be a hell of a fallout come morning.

“What the fuck are you doing?” the voice came again. Jeonghan slid into view. “Is this where you’ve been all this time? We’d thought you’d been kidnapped or murdered or fucking run off or something. Why were you in Sejoon hyung’s office?”

“He uhm offered to let me stay the night,” he said quietly, looking down. “I’m sorry for yesterday. I couldn’t face you.”

“Joshua, none of this seems like you...You don’t get angry- at least, not like you did yesterday. And you certainly don’t ignore your problems. What’s gotten into you lately? Is it the lack of sleep?”

“My sleep is fine.”

“Really, how much did you sleep in Sejoon’s office last night? Your eyes are damn near purple.”

“It’s morning, Hannie, I think it’s safe to assume that I slept until now.” He inwardly grimaced at the lie. They were just piling up. First, his phone. Next, his sleep.

“What’s that on your face?”

“Nothing,” he rejected him immediately, pushing away the hand and flinching backwards a bit. 

“Joshua, that’s not nothing. It’s all...dark and...Joshua? Is that from- from Sejoon?”

Fuck. He rushed to defend him, the words ‘it was my fault, I set him off’ already on his tongue. Sejoon was all sorts of upset last night, and if Jeonghan got the wrong idea, he wouldn’t let it go. He was like that.

“Did you and Sejoon...are you two?”

Oh. Jeonghan thinks they had sex. He thought the bruise was a hickey. Joshua’s head tilted. Maybe, just maybe he could work this angle. Then, Jeonghan wouldn’t get bad ideas about Sejoon and Joshua could get him to be quiet, feigning embarrassment. Yes, this was just perfect.

“Hannie, please keep quiet about it,” he hissed. “I was upset and he was there for me and one thing led to another...Please.”

“You can’t be having sex with our manager,” Jeonghan whispered, grabbing his wrist. “Are you crazy? I’ll kill him.”

“I told him I wanted it,” Joshua made up an excuse, raising his head just enough to let Jeonghan see the hickey-looking bruise clearly. “We both wanted it. It won’t happen again. It was a one time thing.”

“Joshua, I cannot possibly explain how uncomfortable this makes me. If feels wrong, baby, really. He’s so much older-”

“He’s in his twenties. I am twenty three damn years old, and I’m allowed to sleep with who I want. Do not bring somebody else into this unless you want me to lose even more trust in you.”

“Lose more trust in me? What have I done to make you lose trust in me?”

“Yoon Jeonghan, if you don’t let me go this instant, I’ll-”

The door creaked open. “Joshua? Hey, what’s...Jeonghan, what’s going on here?”

He whirled around to face the office door. “It’s nothing, Sejoon.” Joshua looked pointedly at his member. “Right?”

Jeonghan paused, glaring at Sejoon and releasing his brother, smoothing down his shirt. “Right...I was just collecting Joshua to get ready for our breakfast today. The members are making a big meal.”

“Oh...have fun guys,” Sejoon smiled, glancing at Joshua. “Joshua?”

“Hey, go ahead,” Joshua told Jeonghan. “I’ll catch up. I’ve just got to talk to Sejoon for a little while and grab my jacket. I’ll only be a minute.” He pulled Sejoon into the office and closed the door. He took a deep breath and decided to just come out with it. “I told him that we slept together,” he admitted, heart thundering when Sejoon’s eyes flared.

“You what?”

“It was better than telling him what really happened. If he knew that you’d slapped me-”

“Are you trying to say that I wasn’t justified? After you tried to leave me when I was hurt...You always do this, Joshua, every time I try to help, you-”

“I know,” he cut him off, running a hand down his arm. “I know, and I’m sorry, but-”

Sejoon threw his arm away hard enough to make him stumble to the ground. “You’re nothing, Joshua. You were nothing without me and you ruin my reputation. I ought to just throw myself out the window. I see how little I mean to you.”

“No! Sejoon, please, no. I won’t tell anybody else what happened. Jeonghan was just...an accident. An accident! It won’t spread.”

“You’d better deal with your accident, pretty boy, before I have to deal with you. Show me how much you really appreciate me by not spreading lies. Everything I do to you is your fault. You know it and I know it. Make sure that Jeonghan doesn’t get the wrong idea.”

“He won’t,” Joshua said firmly, beginning to be through with the man. “Just trust me.”

“Trust,” he spat, “is earned...Get out.”

Joshua had never left so quickly.

He didn’t speak to Jeonghan the whole ride home, pissed to no end that he thought he had the right to get into his business even after their argument. Jeonghan had gotten him into so much shit with Sejoon that the American wasn't so sure anything would ever be alright again. And yet, he realized that his manager was right again- if he hadn't been so careless, Jeonghan wouldn’t know anything. If he’d followed his advice and called to let them know- god, he was so stupid.

“I’m going to cover it with makeup,” Joshua said as they entered the dorm, jacket zipped as high as it would go and pulled just so. “Please, Hannie, keep it to yourself. It’s between Sejoon and I, not all thirteen of us.”

Jeonghan sighed. “You’ll tell me if he does anything you don’t like? If he...if he hurts you?”

“Don’t be dumb,” Joshua tried to brush him off. Of course Sejoon wouldn’t hurt him. He corrected because he knew better than Joshua. He was helping, not hurting. Even if Joshua told Jeonghan, he wouldn’t understand. Once again, it seemed that Sejoon was one of the few that understood him.

“Shua, I’m serious. You’ll tell me, right? If he hurts you?”

“He’s not going to hurt me,” Joshua declared finally. “Leave it be. We had sex. It’s over. Let’s have a decent breakfast so that I can apologize for yesterday, okay?”

Jeonghan slumped. “Yeah...Let’s do that.”

…

“So...h- he had sex? With our manager?” Seungcheol asked, pacing as Jeonghan sat on the bed, hands under his thighs. “That’s...why would he do that? Why, god, why on earth would he-”

“Well, you did tell him not to come back without a reason and an apology. You called him an asshole. He said he was upset and that Sejoon was there, and...I don’t know, it’s only what he told me.”

“But you saw what he did! He was being an-”

“Cheol, quiet down.”

“He was being an asshole,” Seungcheol whispered. “And you know it. And I didn’t bite his head off. I wanted to give him time to calm down! I gave him a choice.”

“And he chose to sleep at the company building...With Sejoon.”

The leader sighed, burying his face in his hands. “Why are you defending him? It’s obvious you don’t like it either.”

“Because he had a point, Cheol. He told me that what he did wasn’t my damn business and I couldn’t even say anything to argue. He’s an adult. We can’t do anything about their...relationship.”

“Then why are you telling me this? It’s obviously something he wanted to keep a secret.”

“Because somebody needs to know, and it can’t only be me,” Jeonghan explained. “You can’t tell anybody that I told you.”

The leader sat on the other bed in the room, rubbing his face and thinking about what to do next. “Is...is he still mad? I mean, I have no idea what to do here, Hannie. He’s been acting so…”

“Not Joshua.”

“Not Joshua,” Seungcheol agreed. “I don’t know what to do,” he repeated. 

“How about...How about we just keep an eye on him...It’s not his frist time having sex, right? It’s not a big deal?”

“Right,” Seungcheol agreed, standing. “We’ll keep tabs on him...It’s probably nothing.”

“It’s probably nothing.”

Jeonghan pursed his lips, chest aching with the secret held inside of him. He hated keeping secrets from the members, even if he did tell one. There were still ten who had no idea what was going on. ‘Joshua Hong,’ he thought, ‘I hope the sex was at least worth it.’

Joshua sat outside the door, head in his hands. Two members knew now. He could handle this. Everything would calm down and they’d all relax. He would set boundaries with Sejoon. He would mind his manners and Sejoon wouldn’t lay another hand on him. The lies would stop flowing and he would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Sejoon would continue to make Joshua Hong great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are some other groups that y'all stan? Trying to broaden my horizons (as if I need more idols to keep track of 😂 )


	7. Chapter 7

Lethargy was constant. In a way, it reminded Joshua of his trainee days, studying Korean into the wee hours of the morning and falling asleep on his feet, resting every opportunity he got, chasing after the dream of debuting. When he had started working with Sejoon, he knew his goal- try to get better and try not to piss Sejoon off.

As he went, he achieved and achieved and achieved. Now, Joshua felt that he was the best he had ever been. The ache in his bones and constant jitters were a sign of greatness- Sejoon told him so. It was becoming easier to trust him- to go to him for guidance, for comfort, for an escape from the hellish watchdogs that Jeonghan and Seungcheol had become.

Joshua never wanted to see Jeonghan’s face again after he overheard him betraying his trust and spreading lies to the very person he did not want to know the secret. What made him even more pissed off was that they both thought that he’d slept with their manager. Sure, he’d came up with the rumor but only because it was better than the both of them getting Sejoon fired for Joshua’s mistake. Jeonghan didn’t even know what the hell he was talking about when he decided to completely fuck Joshua over.

He flipped through his phone after getting off work early that day, killing time and trying to knock the feeling of guilt that he had- lazy, unmotivated, burden. He wanted to go dance. When had he started wanting to be in Sejoon’s presence?

“Hey hyung, do you want to go out for lunch?”

The American turned to the door, focusing on Jihoon standing in the doorway with Jun and Mingyu behind him. His stomach rumbled a little bit at the mention of food but he also grimaced- junk food probably wouldn’t be the best idea. He was so small, Sejoon always said he was. Chicken, fish, eggs, water, nothing more. It was best to help him become stronger, more visually appealing.

But he really, really didn’t want to be stuck in the house any longer than necessary. “Sure, let me get changed.”

“Don’t bother, just wear that.”

Joshua looked down at his sweater and jeans, frowning. It made him look too feminine. He could never wear it in public. “You want me to wear this?” He picked at the light yellow material. “Outside?”

“Yeah?” Jihoon questioned warily. “We’re going to be walking, and it’s a little chilly out. Your sweater’s fine.”

“O-okay, sure,” he stumbled over his words awkwardly, pulling on shoes and following them out of the apartment and into the bustling streets of the city around them. The noise levels bothered him a bit, random yelling here and there, car horns, conversations buzzing all around him. He linked arms with Jun, matching step with him.

Woozi was too averse to touching and Mingyu- well, frankly, Joshua was sure that he was still angry at him for some reason. Joshua had decided that he didn’t much care what Mingyu thought. His jealousy was not Joshua’s problem.

…

“Have some of this, it’s amazing.”

“Here, take a bit Joshua.”

“This is so good; you have to try it.”

Joshua was stuffed full of all the bits of food that he could possibly fit into his stomach. He leaned back in his seat, sighing contentedly at the feeling of a full belly. “Waiter!” he called. The woman came forth, smiling and accepting his card when he held it out.

“You didn’t have to pay for everything, hyung. It was a lot for the four of us,” Jihoon protested.

“It doesn’t happen often, just enjoy it while it lasts,” Joshua advised, accepting the card from the waitress when she returned. “Thanks for taking me out...I was getting cooped up in there.”

“We noticed,” Jun smiled, the stretch of his lips looking somewhat forced. “There is something we wanted to talk to you about, hyung...With your extra lessons.”

His stomach dropped. “Did Jeonghan say something to you?”

“What?” Mingyu asked. “Jeonghan? What about him? What does he know that we don’t.”

“What do you think you know?” Joshua asked back, getting ready to defend himself. It was pathetic how they couldn’t have a decent meal without them coming after him, after his success. Maybe he was getting too defensive too quickly. It seemed that Sejoon’s hairpin trigger emotions were rubbing off on him.

“Hey, we don’t want to fight again. Last time was bad enough,” Jihoon spoke calmly. “You’ve just been kind of irritable lately, and we were wondering if there’s anything you need to get off your chest. Is it just the late nights?”

“I haven’t been irritable, and those practices are doing me nothing but good. I’m light years away from where I was before them.”

“You are a whole lot better, but recently…” Jun trailed off, trying to find his words. “You seem shut off from everybody else. We know you’re working hard, but we miss you, hyung.”

Joshua huffed. “I really don’t know what you want me to do. First, you’re mad at me for dragging down the team, and when I finally get better, you call me standoffish. I’m sick and tired of always-”

“Whoa, who told you that you were dragging down the team?” Mingyu asked, looking angry suddenly. “Give me a name, hyung, and I’ll personally come slap them straight. You’ve never done that.”

“Well maybe if you don’t see it,” Joshua spat, bundling his towel and throwing it onto the table before standing suddenly. “You aren’t looking hard enough. I,” he declared, pointing at his chest. “Am finally good. I’m finally good enough to be proud, and all you have to say is that you miss me? Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.”

“Hyung, watch it,” Jihoon warned. “We wanted to catch up and ask you how you were, not accuse you of cutting us off. This is what we meant by irritable. Maybe if you cut out your meetings with Sejoon-”

“Why should I stop meeting with Sejoon?”

“Because you’re stretching yourself thin,” Jun answered, standing with him and leading him toward the door and away from whispering customers. The sidewalks outside were less crowded than the restaurant. “Sejoon is working you too hard.”

“Even though you’re obviously his favorite,” Mingyu mumbled.

“What?” Joshua asked. “What’d you just say?”

“You’re Sejoon’s favorite, Joshua, don’t even try to say you’re not. You’re with him so often, I’m just beginning to think you’re doing more than just dancing. Tell me, hyung, what do you do when you’re all alone with great big Sejoon? Are his muscles as big as they look? What do you do to get those extra practices?”

Joshua punched him as hard as he could in the face, right in the corner of his eye. He knew that’s where it would hurt the most. He’d been working out with Sejoon to build his muscles. Muscles, evidently, were just as powerful as they were attractive.

Mingyu clutched his eye as Jun clung to him, checking up on the rapper as Jihoon yelled at Joshua. The elder couldn’t hear over the ringing in his ears, heart beat running as people all around them gawked. God, the people on the sidewalks. They could be fans. They could be photographers- anybody. What had he done? What had he done? What- Joshua needed to leave. He needed to go where they wouldn’t follow him. He needed ...He needed to go to Sejoon’s office. Sejoon would understand. He just got upset; Sejoon would understand.

So he ran.

…

“Hyung, hyung! Open up, please!”

“What?” Sejoon grunted, opening the door to reveal himself in dress shoes and pants, white shirt rolled up to his elbows. “It’s not time for our practice.”

“No, I needed...I’ve just had a fight, and-”

“And you came to me? I can’t fight your battles, Joshua. You know that.”

“Please, just...let me in. I need to talk to you.”

Sejoon rolled his eyes, leaning back enough that Joshua could duck under his arm into the office. The singer flapped his hands nervously, pacing around the office.

“Stand still. You look like a child.”

Shit, Joshua had caught him in a bad mood. “Hyung, the members are starting to ask about me...trying to get me to take fewer lessons. I- I don’t know what Jeonghan’s said or who he’s told, but-”

“Stop,” he demanded, whipping around and getting into Joshua’s personal space. It was fine. Joshua was used to having him in his space. “You didn’t tell Jeonghan to keep his mouth shut?”

“I did! I swear I did, but he just doesn’t listen sometimes, hyung, and-”

Sejoon punched him in the stomach. Hard. Joshua was sent sprawling to the floor. Sejoon never hit him hard enough to send him sprawling to the floor. Suddenly, the food he’d eaten didn’t sit so comfortably in his stomach. Tears pricked in his eyes. “Hyung, please…”

“Please, what?” he roared. “You let Jeonghan tell your friends that we slept together! Do you want me to get fired that badly? To go home to an empty house? Am I that horrible of a hyung to you that you want me to just go home and fucking kill myself? Are you trying to ruin me?”

Joshua dried his eyes, standing up and trying to get close enough to comfort him. He normally liked to have Joshua near when he was in one of his moods. “I just...I need your help.”

“My help?” he asked, pushing Joshua to the couch and throwing a paper weight to the wall behind it, sending the glass sprawling. “You want my fucking help after what you’ve done? You’re so selfish, Joshua. So. Fucking. Selfish.” He punctuated each word with a strike to his body- his collarbone, his ribcage, a kick to his hip.

He wiped his mouth, sniffing and sweaty as Joshua writhed where he’d fallen to the floor, coughing on the bits of glass. “Get up...Get up!” He hauled him to his feet with a hand around his bicep. “You’re going to hurt yourself on the glass, Joshua, seriously. You need to be more careful.”

Joshua looked at him like he was crazy. One moment, pissed out of his mind. The next, making sure he was safe. He still cared about him deep down, Joshua knew he did. “I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I’m sorry, I just...I didn’t know where to go...They’d try to get me to talk to them like they always did...I’m sorry.”

“While you’re here,” Sejoon began, running his hands through his hair and ignoring Joshua’s excuse. “You need to practice. You need discipline. You need- mostly- to learn to follow my directions. What did I tell you to do earlier?”

“To stop Jeonghan.”

“And you failed. Run the dance and don’t stop until I tell you to. After you’re completely done with the punishment, you can go home and solve your problem. Hopefully I’m a better teacher than how you’re making me feel. Begin.”

And he danced. With aching joints, throbbing bones, and a heavy body, he danced.

Joshua Hong had to follow Sejoon’s instructions to be better. He had to.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Light-Sleeping at Last, Angel By The Wings - Sia

Joshua was relieved when Sejoon’s phone rang, finally ending the tirade of repeated dance, growing sloppy and sloppier by the minute. Sweat fell of his face and dotted the ground, which earned him another round of dancing for mucking up the floors. Sejoon really was in a mood, but Joshua couldn’t blame him- he himself wasn’t too pleasant anyways. He’d just punched Mingyu, for god’s sake.

He talked calmly and sweetly to whoever was on the other line. “Is Joshua with me…”

Joshua shook his head feverently, mouthing his pleas to tell whoever was asking the exact opposite of the truth. There he was again, getting more and more people to lie for him.

“No, I haven’t seen him since the morning practice...Punched Mingyu? Yeah, I’ll send him your way if I see him...No, of course...It’s no problem...Yes, thank you Junhui.”

He put the phone down, glaring at Joshua, who only panted. “I told you it was bad.”

“Go to your dorm, the practice is over.”

“But hyung-”

“Goddamn it, Joshua, take a shower and go home! They’re looking for you, and if they’re looking hard enough, they’ll find both of us. You don’t want this sex rumor to grow, do you?”

Joshua shook his head. What was he thinking?

“Then get the hell out and sort your shit.”

“Yes, hyung. Thank you for the practice.”

He scuttled out, headed for the bathroom and trying to disguise his limp. He would be fine, everything would be fine. He just needed to apologize to Mingyu and get Jeonghan and Seungcheol to stop looking into him and Sejoon. He could figure this out. He was capable. He was Joshua Hong.

…

The door opened after only one knock. They were eagerly anticipating his return. Before he could even greet whoever opened the door for him, he was pulled inside and thrust in front of the entire group. He pulled his wrist away from the perpetrator (Hoshi) and scanned their faces, stopping on Mingyu’s black eye.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For everything. I was...I don’t have an explanation...I’m sorry.”

“Joshua, we’re worried,” Jun repeated from earlier. “Mingyu shouldn’t have insulted you, and we’ve talked about it. Mingyu?”

“I’m sorry for insulting you,” Mingyu spoke, low and controlled. “I got caught up and said things that I didn’t mean, but you still shouldn’t have-”

“Mingyu,” the leader warned.

Mingyu sighed. “I didn’t mean to insult you...Just like I’m sure you didn’t actually want to hurt me.”

Joshua glanced at his brother’s black eye. Did he want to hurt Mingyu? The phrase alone sounded bad- how could he hurt Mingyu? But in that moment, he had wanted Mingyu to feel pain. He wanted him to hurt and cry and feel the weight of his implications. He wanted to let Mingyu have it- to show him that he was more than what everybody thought. He worked for everything he had, and Mingyu didn't acknowledge that. He’d hit Sejoon over the same thing.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Joshua said instead, not feeling up to explaining his corrupt thought process. He should act concerned. “Is your eye okay?”

“!’m fine,” Mingyu grumbled, obviously still upset about what Joshua had done. Even with his reassurance, Joshua could see the subtle pinch in between his eyebrows that Mingyu always displayed when he was upset or in pain. Joshua knew it was a mixture of both. “It’s nothing cream and ice won’t heal,” the other added.

“We’re just worried about you, like we said before,” Seungcheol redirected, not wanting the conversation to go round and round, building on the tension that both boys already felt. “Is there something you’d like to tell us?”

He thought hard. The only thing he really wanted to tell them was that he was pissed at Jeonghan, but even that would lead to the topic of why and he would have to expose Sejoon. He didn’t want to dive into that. “Nothing.”

“Let me rephrase that,” the leader breathed out, hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “You need to tell us what’s happening or we’ll tell management that you need to see a therapist about your anger issues. We want you to trust us, but if you won’t, Sejoon will-”

“No!” Joshua exploded. “Sejoon doesn’t need to get involved! I’m not mentally unstable, and you know it,” he spat.

“Do I?” Seungcheol asked, more frustrated than before. “The only thing we can think of is the lack of sleep.” He almost made it sound like Jeonghan hadn’t told him Joshua had been screwing their manager. “So, we’re asking- no, telling you to have shorter practices with Sejoon so that you can be more well rested. We don’t know what else to do if you keep insisting nothing’s wrong. Do you think that getting more sleep would help?”

“I don’t know,” he grumbled, folding his arms. God, he hated this. “I just wish you all would drop it.”

“We don’t want to put you in the hot spot, Shua,” Wonwoo spoke up. “But when you’ve gotten so angry twice, something needs to be done.”

He scratched his head, ribs pulling uncomfortably. He really, really, really just wanted to go to bed and deal with his bruises. He didn’t want to be picked at and inspected. “Yeah,” he complied. “I’ll take better care of myself.” He turned in the direction of his room.

“What about the late nights? When will you sleep?” Seungcheol asked.

There was no other choice, then. The members would make him do it.

“I’ll talk to Sejoon sometime this week,” Joshua bit out, the words leaving the taste of bile on his tongue. Sejoon would hate him for being so weak, for letting his members’ jealousy get the best of him. They both knew he needed the practice. The manager would not be happy about him sacrificing it to keep his secret.

…

“Hyung, open up. We need to talk.”

Joshua debated hobbling to the door to reject whichever boy was on the other side, but his body screamed at just the thought. Even his bones felt sore. He got settled in his bed. “It’s open.”

Vernon walked in, closing the door behind him. “I’ve been avoiding this conversation, but I can’t anymore.” He was talking in English, something he only did when he didn’t want to think about translating- when he had a lot to say and didn’t want to mess things up. “So, we need to talk about what’s wrong with you, and I’m not going to believe your lies. You might be able to blow off Seungcheol, but not me.”

“Vernon, I’m tired,” he responded, also in English. “We can talk in the morning.”

“What did I just say about blowing me off?”

The elder sighed. “Fine, ask away. What do you need?”

“I need an answer. Why has your mood been so sour lately- and I know it’s not sleep or Mingyu. He’s clumsy and impulsive all the time but you’ve never punched him over it. He talks too much, lets his words get away with him...You never let yourself go like that.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you-“

“Tell me the truth! I’ve been trying to help, but it’s so hard- so fucking difficult to get through to you. Why are you mad?”

“I’m mad because the whole world is fucking against me!” he exploded suddenly.

Vernon halted, glad that he’d gotten a response but confused nonetheless. “Elaborate. Why- why do you think the world’s against you?”

“Sejoon wants me to practice more, Jeonghan wants me to practice less. It’s good if I have discipline, but have too much and I’m standoffish. I’m tired, Vernon. I’m tired and confused and pissed off at Jeonghan-“

“Why?”

“Because he’s telling everybody lies, that’s why!” He exploded. Swinging his legs over the bed despite the pain. “I’m through with it!”

“What lies?” Vernon asked, holding a hand in front of Joshua to stop him from making a move to the door. He was finally making progress, and after such a long time without it, Vernon wasn't about to let the opportunity for more go without a fight.“What’s he saying?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know...he’s telling everyone I slept with Sejoon.”

Oh dear god. “You slept with our manager?” Vernon asked, dumbfounded. He dropped his arm.

The elder's eyes opened wide. God, Joshua was such an idiot. He never should’ve told, he never should’ve said anything. He never thought anything through; Sejoon would have a fit. He was supposed to stop the rumor, not spread it further. He thought Vernon knew. How could Vernon not know? He needed to leave, to just run away. Sejoon would kill him.

“Is that why you’ve been so upset? You’re mad at Jeonghan? I promise you, nobody’s heard about that, so whatever happened between you and Sejoon-“

Joshua rushed to correct him. “Nothing happened! That’s the problem! And somebody did hear...he told Seungcheol. Now two people think I’m a whore.”

Pieces were slowly falling into place. “Is that why you punched Mingyu? He talked about you being with Sejoon? Joshua, where did this rumor get started in the first place?”

“Me,” he admitted. “I told Jeonghan expecting him to keep his mouth shut.”

Vernon paused in his pacing, socked feet coming to a halt on Joshua’s carpet. He had a look of confusion splayed on his face. Joshua told Jeonghan? “Why would you lie about something so serious?”

“Because it was important to!” Joshua answered vaguely. “I can’t- I can’t tell you why.”

“If you can’t tell me your problem, how do you expect me to help?”

Joshua’s problem...Joshua’s problem wasn’t Jeonghan or the lies that he’d spread. Maybe, after all that had happened, everything could be traced back to Sejoon himself. Joshua shook his head- Sejoon was his manager, his rock, his teacher. Sejoon was not the problem. He couldn’t be. So what was?

“I don’t need your help. Shut up and go away.” It was cold. Joshua knew that more than anything, being cold would shut Vernon down and make him leave. He’d expected it to be harder to snap at Vernon, but it easy when Joshua knew it had to be done. Vernon had to leave. Joshua’s secrets needed to stay secrets.

The younger didn't even have the decency to pretend to be hurt. He saw right through his hyung. “We both know you don’t mean that. You’re trying to get me to go away so you don’t tell me something you’ll regret...What can’t you tell me? Why can’t you tell me?” Vernon pressed.

“It’s not safe to.” Not safe for Sejoon. If he got fired, he’d have nothing. Joshua knew that it would be his fault and he refused to hurt him once more. Jeonghan would know that his brother lied to him to protect himself. The other members would take his side. He'd lose everything, everyone...there was no other option but to keep it to himself. His problem, his fault, his secret.

“Joshua,” Vernon said slowly. “Are you in danger?”

‘Not me!’ He wanted to scream. He was fine, Sejoon was there for him. What worried him the most was essentially signing the discharge papers for his teacher. He deserved more than that.

“Everything’s fine, Vernon.”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Fine, don’t believe me, then. I can’t do much else for you.”

Vernon internally sighed, knowing that when Joshua was through with talking, nothing would be accomplished. More than likely, he’d just get pissed off again. “Just...if you’re not going to tell me what isn’t safe, at least promise me that you’ll come to me if you need to. Don’t do all that ‘I can take care of myself, I’m the hyung’ crap, okay? Promise? I won't force you to confide in me, but at least tell me if it gets too much for you to handle...if this- this thing threatens you. Promise me.”

“I can deal with my problems just fine,” Joshua rolled his eyes, falling back into bed with a pained expression, glad that Vernon didn’t notice. He just wanted peace and silence.

He stepped closer to the door, turning back to his hyung and smiling a bit. “You know, you may think that you can’t tell us everything, but you’re wrong. You should talk to Jeonghan if you want him to understand.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just keep your mouth shut, Vernon...The rumor’s a lie. Remember that.”

He gave him a final look, not sure what to make of the situation, before heading to his room for the night. Something was severely messed up with Joshua.

…

“He got you good, huh?” Sejoon grabbed Mingyu’s chin gently, checking him over and petting his head lightly. Joshua flinched at the motion, looking down. “I’m assuming you all got it figured out?”

“We’ve talked about it, and they’ve apologized,” the leader spoke curtly, not bothering to look at their manager. Sejoon raised his eyebrows, humming and looking at Joshua with a bit of questioning. It was brief, but it was enough. He felt like falling to the floor. The fact that Vernon now knew of the rumor was not helping his situation, even though he knew it was a lie. It was at least better than the two other eldest thinking Joshua had actually slept with Sejoon.

“Okay, I’m glad you’ve forgiven each other. Let’s get a good practice in today, alright? And afterwards, I’ll need to see Joshua for dance practice but the rest of you can leave.”

“Actually, hyung, we wanted to talk to you about that,” Jeonghan spoke up.

“Later,” Joshua bit out. “We’ll deal with it later.”

Sejoon paused, glancing between the two of them. “Is there something wrong, boys?”

“Joshua’s been under too much stress lately,” Jeonghan continued, ignoring Joshua’s urgent taps to the back of his thigh. He needed to stop talking. “We’d like it if you could shorten or end your practices...he doesn’t sleep enough at night.”

“Jeonghan, for fuck’s sake-”

The members gasped in horror, turning to him with looks of disbelief on their faces. Their manager calmly strolled over, hands behind his back and a sparkle in his eye. He thought this was funny. Jeonghan was ruining Joshua’s life, and Sejoon though it was funny. 

Sejoon nodded in thought. “Joshua, what do you think?”

“Think about what?” he croaked out, shaking hard enough to rattle the entire building. “About my sleep?”

“About shortening practice.”

He thought about how to word his response. “I think...I think that our practices are important.”

Sejoon hummed in consideration, walking to his chair in the corner of the dance room. “I’ll tell you what- Joshua, come for your practice later tonight and we’ll figure something out, okay?”

“Yes, hyung.”

“Alright. Choreographer, take it away.”

Joshua wanted the floor to eat him up- to swallow him whole and prevent any escape. Joshua wanted to disappear.

…

“So your members convinced you, huh? You let their jealousy get to you?”

Joshua was trembling, looking down. God, he couldn’t do one thing right. Why did they have to tell him? Why did they have to do that? Fucking assholes, always-

“Answer me!”

“It was the only way,” he breathed. “Being overworked was the only explanation for my...for my behaviour.”

“So do you think that if you had a better check on your emotions, we wouldn’t be in this problem right now?”

“Y-yes, I think so.”

“Did you at least fix our problem with Jeonghan?”

“I...I didn’t.”

Sejoon blew air through his lips, chest huffing. “Who knows?’

“What?”

“WHO KNOWS!” he screamed, rushing forward and pinning Joshua to the wall. “Who else thinks that I can’t control myself around you.”

“Seungcheol...And I-uh, I told Vernon, but he knows it’s a lie. I told him it was a lie.”

He pinned Joshua’s arms over his head with one hand, holding the younger man’s wrists together. Leaning close, he breathed into Joshua’s ear. “You’re fucked, Joshua. You’re so fucked.”

Then, he just...let go.

Joshua collapsed onto the ground, chest heaving and ears ringing. God, he was going to fucking die. Sejoon was going to kill him. It was his fault, right? He told Vernon about the lie. But he only did that because of the lie he told Jeonghan. And he only told Jeonghan because Sejoon had slapped him in the face...Sejoon had slapped him. Sejoon.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying, out of habit more than anything. What did he have to be sorry for? Sorry to Mingyu, sorry to Vernon, sorry to Jeonghan, sorry to everybody for being such a damn idiot. But he didn’t necessarily feel sorry towards Sejoon. He felt terrified. Because Sejoon could hurt him at any given moment.

“Go home, Joshua.”

And somehow, that hurt more than his beating from the other night, bruises darker with time, chest dotted with small cuts from the glass that Sejoon had smashed above his head. “W-what?”

“Go home. I’m done with you.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, standing. “I’m sorry, hyung, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I can- I can fix it.”

“Goddamn it, go home!” he roared, whirling around and shoving Joshua into a file cabinet before driving his foot into his stomach. “You ruin everything! You’re the worst member of this team and all I’ve tried to do is help you like my own son! You betrayed me! So just fucking leave! Go home!”

Joshua didn’t need to be told another time. He held his stomach tightly, wearing only a thin black t-shirt over his joggers. He hobbled out, hands furiously wiping his falling tears away. He didn’t want to be seen, he didn’t want anybody to know how badly he’d fucked up- how blindly he’d followed Sejoon because the man had paid attention to him. Was he that desperate? What would they think of him?

Joshua, for the first time, thought that he’d be better off alone completely. No, too selfish. Joshua knew that everybody else would be better off if he simply didn’t exist. Everything around him went to hell. Everything he touched- a mess, a disaster.

Joshua Hong was a curse for which there was no cure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Light-Sleeping at Last, Angel By The Wings - Sia


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: That Year- Brandi Carlile

He stumbled into the dorm, chest heaving from the stumble- run from the company building. He hoped that nobody would be out there- it was stupid, truly, to think that they’d all be in bed at eight o clock. He’d gotten out of his lesson early- been kicked out, really. He didn’t want them to see him, but as soon as he entered, four pairs of eyes trained on him from the couch.

“Hyung?” Minghao’s soft voice came to his ears, sounding like he was floating above him in a raft while he was underwater, drowning, drowning, drowning-

“Stop!” he yelled, feeling a hand grabbing his elbow. One of his hands was still clamped onto his stomach but the other smacked away the offending member, his whole body flinching so hard he hit the door behind him. “Leave me....lea- leave me a- alone.”

“Hey, what’s wrong?” That was Junhui, bending and trying to make eye contact with Joshua, who was leaning down, hands on his knees as his whole body moved with every shaky breath, too quick and too harsh.

Just as Jun was about to touch him again, Joshua shoved past him, knocking him into Mingyu, who grabbed his shoulders to steady him. 

Joshua screamed at the top of his lungs, a screech that made every ear in the room ring. Mingyu let go like he’d been burned, and Joshua pounded his fist on the floor, sobbing and angry and so, so overwhelmed. He scrambled from where he had fallen to the floor, sprinting down the hallway. They just watched as Joshua went to his room, closing the door behind him. For a moment, it was silent. For a moment, it could’ve been a figment of their imaginations. But no, another cry pierced the air, distorted but not quieted by the thin door to his bedroom.

“What was that?” Chan asked from the couch, obviously shaken. “Is he okay?”

“Of course he’s not okay. Stay here,” Mingyu instructed them, walking briskly to collect Vernon, Jeonghan, and Seungcheol.

He wanted Jeonghan’s mother hen tendencies, Seungcheol’s collected mind, and Vernon’s calming attitude. Everybody involved would benefit from the younger American being there.

“Mingyu, what are you- is that...Joshua?’

His cries continued to pour through the door. Without a second thought, Seungcheol bust into the dark room, looking around to find Joshua kneeling on the ground by his bed, hands fisted into his hair and head in between his knees, keening like an injured animal. What the hell had happened to him?

“Oh, Shua,” Jeonghan breathed sadly, approaching him and laying a hand on his back, falling back when Joshua only cried harder, slapping him away. “Shua, it’s Jeonghan...Hey, it’s Jeonghan. I’m not going to hurt you. What’s wrong? Talk to me, please.”

He babbled, broken words in both English and Korean spewing from his lips- rushed, terrified, hurt. He heaved, chest rattling loudly in the otherwise quiet dorm. Tears streamed from his eyes.

“He’s having...I think he’s having a panic attack,” Vernon stuttered out, not moving from the door. “He’s never had one before; I don’t- I don’t know what he needs. I- here, Jeonghan-hyung, count to four and down, help him breathe.”

Jeonghan got closer to him, not touching him, and whispered in his ear, counting slowly, counting carefully. It seemed to help both of them marginally- it gave Jeonghan something to focus on other than his suffering best friend. Joshua was starting to catch on, stifling breaths coming to a halt when the set of numbers did. 

It took three minutes and twenty four seconds- Mingyu was counting it all anxiously. Somewhere in the middle of it all, Seungcheol had gone to shoo away Jun, Minghao, and Chan, who were near tears themselves. Everybody who’d even gotten a glimpse of him was wondering the same thing- what could’ve happened between them leaving and Joshua’s teary return.

The only person who was supposed to be with him at that time was Sejoon, and nobody quite wanted to think about the implications of that. They would have to wait for Joshua to tell them something before jumping to conclusions because there was no way that Sejoon- nurturing, joking, funny, kind Sejoon- would drive Joshua to a panic attack. 

They simply needed to know what had happened to their Shua.

“Joshua, what happened?” Mingyu asked once he had somewhat calmed down, all bad blood between them instantly forgotten. It was like his bruised eye didn’t exist anymore, not when Joshua was hurting worse than him. “Hyung, please.”

Joshua, at this point, had gone boneless, face pressed into the bed and arms curled around his stomach. He was still trembling. Jeonghan continued to sit beside him, hand laid softly on his thigh but not initiating any more contact. He was already so drained.

“Hey,” Mingyu called, making Joshua flinch. He kneeled, putting his palm on Joshua’s shoulder blade and pressing on the trembling muscles there. He hoped it was somewhat comforting. “What happened to you? Were you with Sejoon?”

“Mingyu-yah,” Seungcheol called, pulling him from the room a bit by his elbow. “We can talk to him when he’s feeling better. Let’s let Jeonghan help him for now. Vernon? Come on, don’t crowd him now.”

“Can’t I stay to talk-“

“Not now, Vernon. Let’s go.”

He reluctantly slinked out of the room, melting into the leaders warm palm on the back of his neck, gently pushing him from the room and closing the door behind him. This was such a mess. They’d all known Joshua had been out of it, but tiredness didn’t cause...this. There were many things that could, and none of the options were anything they’d pair with Joshua. He was...Joshua. He couldn’t be this hurt. It was impossible.

“He’s out,” Jeonghan spoke, noting the slump in Joshua’s shoulders. “Help me get him into bed.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol sighed, pulling his hands from his hips and getting a hand behind Joshua’s back. His head rolled onto his arm and Seungcheol got a good look at his face- hollow cheeks, deep eye bags, and a fading mark on his cheekbone. He rubbed it gently, frowning.

Together, they easily hoisted him into his bed. Seungcheol went to his dresser to pull out a pair of shorts and a sleep shirt, pushing aside clothing from every member in his drawer. He normally preferred to sleep and walk around without a shirt, but lately he’d been covering up more. Maybe the coming winter was too cold for-

Jeonghan gasped. “Cheol...Cheol, oh my god.”

“What?” He asked, carrying the clothes over. “What is it?”

Jeonghan didn’t respond, only staring directly at Joshua’s body, stripped down to his boxers. His chest was dotted with tiny red cuts on an expanse of purples and yellows. It was breathtaking, horrific, repulsive. Not something that Joshua should ever have on his body. 

“Holy shit.”

Jeonghan turned to him frantically. “Cheol, we have to tell somebody. We could tell Sejoon...He could help us, and-“

“Unless he was the one who did it.”

Jeonghan stopped short, looking from Joshua’s body to Seungcheol’s tired eyes. Would Sejoon hurt Joshua? Joshua was his favorite. Sejoon was a caring, diligent manager. He could never do this to their Shua. “You don’t really think he’d do that, do you?”

“Well they did have sex,” the leader pointed out. “Maybe...maybe Joshua didn’t want to. Maybe…”

“They didn’t have sex.”

They whirled around to see Vernon and Mingyu back at the doorway, creeping in and closing it softly. How long had they been standing there?

“What’d you say?” Jeonghan asked Vernon, an edge of terror slipping into his words. Was Vernon saying that Joshua had not consented? That Joshua had been...god, he couldn’t even think about it. Had Joshua been-

“Joshua told me they never had sex. He said it was a coverup and that he couldn’t tell me why he lied to you...He said it wasn’t safe.”

“I’ll kill him,” Mingyu growled, fists balling at his sides. “I’ll rip that bastard to pieces.”

“No,” the leader cut off Mingyu’s homicidal vow. “We wait until morning. For now, Joshua is safe in our home, and until we know exactly what’s going on, we keep it that way. I won’t run in half-cocked, trying to fix things but making them worse. Jeonghan, can you please just...cover him up?”

“Are you joking?” Jeonghan gasped, hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “We can’t let this go on another second!”

“It isn’t going on,” he snapped. “And it won’t...whatever ‘it’ is. We don’t even know that Sejoon is the one who did this, so until we find out why he’s black and blue, one of us will be with him at all times. That’s the best I can do for now. We’ll know more in the morning. Let him sleep in. Tomorrow, we’ll figure everything out. Jeonghan,” he said again. “Please cover him up.”

“Tomorrow,” Mingyu spoke slowly. “Tomorrow, I’m going to get whoever did this, and you’re not going to stop me when I do.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” the leader gritted out. “Whoever did this deserves whatever you do to him.”

Whoever had hurt their brother would pay. Nobody messed with Joshua Hong.


	10. Chapter 10

Joshua jerked awake, groaning softly at the tug on his stomach. It took a moment to recognize his surroundings- he was nestled safely in bed, blanket pulled up to his chin. The clock on the bedside table told him it was only six.

He knew the only reason he felt rested was Sejoon’s early dismissal yesterday, the manager livid to the point of violence. He was thankful for the sleep anyways.

His phone rang next to his ear, making him jump. His bouncy little ring tone had a groan forcing itself up and out of his throat. He was so incredibly tired. 

“Hello?”

“I’ve called you three times,” Sejoon’s voice came over the speaker. “Come see me at the company building. We need to talk.”

“You want to practice now?”

“I said nothing about practice. Be here in ten minutes.”

There was a dial tone, and he lowered the phone. “Fuck.” He pushed himself out of bed, making sure the lump in the bed opposite him was still and silent.

He stumbled into the kitchen, pulling on a soft, worn pair of jeans and a long sleeve tan shirt, heavy and perfect for the winter months.

He really, really didn’t want to see Sejoon right then. He didn’t really want to see Sejoon at all.

He pulled out a paper and scribbled on it. “Gone to the company, see you soon- Joshua”

Then, he shut the front door behind him, descending the steps.

…

“Sejoon hyung?” he asked tentatively, knocking on the office door. His heart beat like a hummingbird’s wings, a lively sporadic beat against his ribcage. “I’m here.”

“We’re going to practice room, come on,” somebody demanded from behind him.

Joshua whirled around to see him, gasping. “You surprised me, hyung.”

He hummed, walking fast enough that Joshua had to scamper behind him, shorter legs trying to keep up. “I...I thought you said we wouldn’t be dancing today.”

“Shut up.”

Joshua pursed his lips, catching the heavy door that Sejoon let fall behind him. The practice room was empty as to be expected this early in the morning.

“What did you...want to do today?”

“You’re not coming to private practices anymore, right? I thought we’d get a final round in.”

“But I thought-“

“Stop talking!” he screamed, getting close. He narrowed his eyes, sucked his cheeks, and spat in Joshua’s face. The saliva landed on the bridge of his nose, splattering into his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. Oh god, Joshua wanted to die. This was humiliating. This was worse than the slapping, the screaming, the sex rumor- all of it.

“Clean yourself up and dance, pretty boy.”

…

“Morning, Wonu,” Jeonghan smiled into the younger’s hair, chin on his head and arms around his shoulders. The younger put down his phone and pushed his plate back a bit. “How’d you sleep?”

“Fine," he answered dismissively, mind obviously on other matters. "Hey, I heard something was wrong with Joshua-hyung. Is he...okay?”

Jeonghan ignored the pang in his chest in favor of humming in reassurance. “We’ll figure it out; we always do. Don’t worry too much. For now we’ll just let him sleep in.”

“You always do this,” Wonwoo sighed, pushing the elder's hands off his shoulders and turning to stand. “Stop trying to take everything on yourself. We’re his members too.”

“Wonwoo, I...You know we don’t mean to do that...It’s just- we don’t really know what’s going on with Joshua just yet, and it’s not my place to tell everybody what I think is happening." He winced. "Lord knows my perception’s been off lately...Try not to worry too much. He’ll be awake soon and we can talk to him.”

It didn't deter him. True to his nature, he'd obviously been building his frustration for a while before letting the dam burst. “I'm guessing Coups hyung's taking it on himself as well, right? And he's only telling you because you're not one of the 'young' ones? It's ridiculous, hyung, really. I'm not a child, and I want to help both of them- even, even if you won't tell me, so-"

"Wonwoo," Jeonghan cut him off, sharply though not angrily. It was nice, really, how much he cared. "I know you care. I do. And I appreciate that. Each and every one of us is lucky to have a brother like you, and I swear that I'd tell you if I could. You know me. Unless it's a private matter or I feel that everybody knowing would do more harm than good, I always- always- make it a point to tell the team. All I'm saying is that we cannot do anything until we actually understand what's happening. That's why we're waiting until Joshua's awake to-

Wonwoo held up a hand to stop him, sighing and sinking back down into the seat. "He’s not asleep.”

“What?” Jeonghan asked, frowning a bit. "What do you mean 'he's not asleep'?"

“He left a note earlier. I think I heard him leave around six. He went to the company for something and said he’d be back soon, and he's not back yet, so it's safe to assume that he's still there.”

Oh. Oh god. Panicked, Jeonghan checked the clock on the stove. It was already eight. “Shit, shit, shit-”

Wonwoo stood up, face full of anxiety. "What's wrong?" he called as Jeonghan tore off down the hallway. "What's happening?"

Jeonghan sprinted to wake up Seungcheol, Vernon, and Mingyu, everybody who knew what had happened last night. It only took a mention of Joshua’s name to get them awake and on their feet. They were dressed and at the door within four minutes, knowing that deep down- a minute could make all the difference in the world. In that moment, all they knew was that Joshua had been at the company for two hours, presumably with Sejoon. That alone had them ready to call the police.

“Wonwoo, you’re in charge. Keep your phone handy and don’t let anybody enter or leave,” Jeonghan called to the member standing dejectedly by the table, plate abandoned and cold behind him.

“Wait, what’s happening? What’s wrong with Joshua?” Wonwoo was standing anxiously by the front door, right in the way of the group. "If you're going, let me go too. I can help with whatever-

“We can’t talk right now,” the leader interrupted, moving him to the side with a pat on the shoulder. “Just please take care of everybody here until we get back. We need you here.”

"Maybe if you'd have told me-"

"Wonwoo!" Mingyu shouted, taking his hands. "Tell him you understand."

He gathered a deep breath. "I- I understand. Answer my phone. Nobody in or out." He nodded, wringing his hands nervously as they exited the apartment. What in the world could be so wrong?

How could he have missed it?

…

He finished the dance, panting and wincing as his bruised body pulled and tugged painfully. In the past, he thought that his training couldn't get any worse, but it seemed that every time he met with Sejoon, the man outdid his last performance by a landslide.

“You’re bruised, aren’t you?” Sejoon asked instead of his normal ‘again’.

Joshua faltered, almost starting another run through. It was such an easy routine to learn- dance, accept punishment for mistakes, dance again. “Bruised?”

“Are you deaf? I asked if you were bruised.”

“I...yes, I am.” Joshua answered truthfully, not really knowing what else there was to do. Lies weren't good, especially if they were to his teacher.

“Have your members seen the bruises? Did you show them?”

“I haven’t shown them,” Joshua responded instantly. “But that doesn’t mean they haven’t seen them. I...I woke up in different clothes than I fell asleep in.”

“Fuck, Joshua, what are you even doing these days? It’s like you don’t care about your career.”

“I care about my career above all else,” Joshua defended himself, growing brave in his realization that Sejoon was not in fact the man he thought he was. His care about is career was the only thing that let him be brainwashed to think that Sejoon was actually helping.

“What’d you just say? I’m not helping?”

Shit, had he said that out loud? God, he was dead.

“Answer me!”

“I...I’m sorry.”

“Not yet, you aren’t.” Hands on his shoulders, pushing him back against the mirror, trapped arms above his head, terrifying, frozen, dead. “Your members think we had sex, huh?” He asked, driving a knee into Joshua’s groin and making him see stars. “I think it’s about time I lived up to the monster you made me out to be.” His hand deftly unbuttoned Joshua’s jeans, unzipping them but going no further. Joshua panted against the mirror, frozen in fear, feeling impotent and wishing that some saving grace would just strike him dead.

Sejoon’s hand released his hands. Just as he tried to push off the offender, it reappeared on his neck, pushing him back up against the mirror once more. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die. He couldn’t breathe. He instantly felt his temples throb with pressure. A few seconds later, the tips of his fingers started to tingle. Sejoon’s free hand crawled up Joshua’s shirt, pressing harshly on the bruises there. The hand fell down, roaming all over his skin, making him feel trespassed, destroyed, disgusted. And Joshua still could not fucking breathe. He felt like his head would burst at any moment. Just as Sejoon dipped a finger into the waistline of his underwear, the door busted open and hell broke loose. 

...

“He could be fine, right?” Vernon asked as they raced through the hallways. “He could be fine.”

“I hope so,” Seungcheol grunted out, Hess on a swivel, looking for any sign of his brother. “We still need to bring him home.”

The rest of their brief run was without conversation, only the sound of their footsteps and breathing echoing off the walls. They checked their managers office first- empty.

“Dance rooms,” Jeonghan suggested. “They always work on dancing.”

They headed that direction, peeking inside the windows to every dance room down the hallway. Nobody really came this early in the morning besides the trainees, but even they worked in larger groups, avoiding the moderately-sized dance studios. There was no reason for anybody but Joshua to be in there.

“Oh, fuck this.”

Seungcheol had a fraction of a second to look at Mingyu, who had pulled ahead of the group to look into the fourth studio. The door flew open from the force of his hands pounding the surface, bouncing off the wall behind it.

Jeonghan rushed in behind him to see Mingyu football tackle their manager to the ground, landing three successive punches to his head in less time than it took him to blink.

“Mingyu! No!” Vernon pushed past Jeonghan, ripping Mingyu off the bleeding man and pinning him to the ground, just as furious but thoughtful enough to prevent a scandal. He talked softly to Mingyu, who was writhing, itching to get back at their manager, who was now unconscious.

It was only then that Jeonghan thought to look at Joshua, curled up against the mirror facing the door, quivering with one arm out of his shirt and jeans unzipped, revealing his boxers underneath. He was heaving great big breaths, eyes watering and spit dripping from his mouth. Jeonghan could already see a bruise starting to form on his throat. Sejoon had been choking him. He suddenly wished Vernon hadn’t stopped Mingyu.

“Shua, hey.” Joshua flinched back, hands reaching out to push whatever came close. “Joshua, it’s Jeonghan. I’m here. Look at me, baby?”

Joshua’s eyes rose marginally, falling on Jeonghan’s chin. He still continued to gasp for air, lips slowly fading back into their normal color. A hint of blue still remained. “I-I’m...s-s-sorry, I j-just couldn’t....tell, a-and-”

“Hey, don’t you worry about that, Shua, nobody’s mad at you.” He got close, pulling Joshua into his chest and running a hand over his face. His skin was crusted with something, and it had been there for a while. “What’s on your face, baby?”

Joshua started to cry, gasping for breath and tucking his face into Jeonghan’s neck. “He...s-spit, I- I’m so s...sorry.”

“Cheol,” Jeonghan called to the leader, who was on the phone with somebody, presumably their boss. His chest burned with a heat that could only come from absolute fury. “Go get us a washcloth.” The leader nodded, still talking on the phone as he left the room. “Do you want to get redressed yourself, or do you want me to do it?”

Somewhere, he’d read that abuse victims- god, that’s what Joshua was, wasn’t it?- needed to have choices after being manipulated and controlled. If Joshua needed choices, then damn it, Jeonghan would let him choose when his own birthday was if he wanted. 

Joshua fumbled with his zipper, pulling it up after a few tries and sobbing with embarrassment as he slid his arm into his shirt. “God, this is so...s-s-stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Jeonghan reassured him, glancing over to see that Vernon was kneeling on Sejoon’s arms, talking lowly to Mingyu, who sat on the floor with angry tears on his cheeks. He was trembling- with what emotion, Jeonghan did not know. Somebody would have to check in with him later, too. “Why don’t we get you home for now? You don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

Seungcheol came in, phone no longer in hand, and passed off a wet washcloth. Jeonghan used it to quickly clean Joshua’s face, dropping it when he was done. “Joshua? Vernon told me you didn’t have sex with Sejoon.” He paused, collecting his emotions to stay calm. “I’m so sorry for not noticing.”

“I- I couldn’t t-tell, so...it’s not y-your fault.”

“I have to ask- did he ever...did he ever take the relationship further than you wanted? Did he want to have sex with you?” He gulped a breath. “Did he rape you?”

“It never...never g-got that f-ar,” Joshua mumbled, cheeks flushed red.

“Thank god...Okay, okay, that’s good...Thank you for telling me, baby. Thank you. Let’s get home now. They’ll take care of Sejoon, don’t worry.”

“No, Han, I can’t,” he breathed, sagging with just the effort of standing. He was beyond exhausted. “I- I can’t.”

“Are you hurt?” Jeonghan asked, focus immediately changing from nurturing and comforting to assessing and healing. “Do you need to go to a hospital?”

“No it’s not that...The rest of them...they’ll ask...they’ll ask questions, and I can’t do that right now...I can’t talk to them...I’ve let them all down.”

Oh. Not injured, no hospital. Yet Joshua was surely far from okay. “You don’t need to talk to them. I can have Wonwoo send everyone to their bedrooms until you get settled. And you didn’t let anybody down. This could’ve happened to any of us.”

“Nobody else would’ve hid it...I thought I was protecting him. God, I’m so stupid...I hurt you. I hurt Mingyu. I’m no better than-”

“Don’t finish that sentence.” He walked briskly, holding Joshua by the waist. “You’re so good, all the time. That man was not. Don’t even compare yourself to him.”

Joshua remained silent, sniffling a bit as they walked to the car that Mingyu had parked right in front of the building. Once they were situated, Jeonghan took off toward their apartment as fast as the car and the law would allow. He wanted to get him into a shower, a pair of pajamas, and his bed.

“What do you want to do when you get home?” Jeonghan asked, noticing that Joshua was starting to calm down, simply looking at his lap and picking his fingernails. He needed to choose, not Jeonghan.

“I just...I just want everything to go back to how it was.” He rubbed his nose, scrunching it and holding back his emotions like he often did. “I fucked up.”

“You didn’t, Shua...I don’t know how to tell you that we’re not mad at you. Nobody’s going to even mention it if you don’t want to talk.”

“I don’t want to be babied,” he mumbled. “I can take care of myself. I just- I just needed a moment.”

“You’re allowed to have more than a moment.” Jeonghan turned to him, turning off the engine. “Before we go in there, I want to ask you about something important. I know it’s soon, but I’m afraid we’ll never talk about it if I don’t...I have to ask...Do you want to press charges against Sejoon?”

Joshua shrugged, hugging his arms around himself. He obviously needed comfort. He also clearly didn’t want Jeonghan to hold him. “No...I...I don’t know. He’s so- he’s a widower, and I was all he had. I know what he was doing was wrong, I know that, I swear,” he insisted. “But...I don’t want him to kill himself or something.”

Jeonghan tilted his head, anger boiling up once again. Sejoon had done more than he’d originally thought. “Sejoon had no family,” he bit out. “It came up in a conversation I had with him. He’s single- went from high school to college to military to manager, no time for a family. He lied to you. He used you.”

“No,” Joshua refused, shaking his head. “It- he told me, Han, he told me. He loved me like a son, and-”

“He lied.”

“No! Jeonghan, he- he made me do things for him. I- I lied to you! I punched Mingyu! I cut myself off because he told me that you guys were jelous! He told me he cared about me,” he whispered the last sentence. “I hurt everybody because I thought he cared.”

“You didn’t know,” Jeonghan reached out, holding his hand. “You couldn’t have. Nobody’s mad at you.”

Joshua pulled his hand away, unlocking the door. “I just want to go home.”

Jeonghan sighed, nodding. “Whatever you need.”

He worked his jaw as he followed Joshua into the building, wishing more than anything that he could drive back to the building and finish what Mingyu had started. Joshua didn’t want to press charges. Joshua didn’t want to be cared for. Joshua blamed himself.

And Jeonghan was pissed because Sejoon had done that.

But Joshua Hong would be fine- he had to be. None of them would be able to live with themselves if he wasn’t.


	11. Chapter 11

They’d taken a break from work to figure everything out. Very quickly, three things happened. One, Sejoon was fired and sent to jail pending Joshua’s formal decision on whether or not he wanted to press charges. Two, Joshua took up residence in his room and pretended otherwise like everything was fine. He refused to talk about moving forward but conversed normally about everything else. They could see that it hurt him still. Three, Minghao decided that he had been a bystander for far too long.

He watched him as he entered the room, a towel around his waist and wet hair in a heap upon his head. It was one of his hyung’s most endearing looks, making him look comfortable and soft, just like his (normal) personality. Minghao knew that Joshua hadn’t been acting normal for quite some time. He just wished that he’d realized it sooner.

“Hyung,” he called out quietly, making him jump. 

“Christ, Minghao, what’re you doing? Come here to give me a heart attack?”

He glanced at the bruises on Joshua’s torso, fading into his normal shade gradually. It was nice to see that at least physically, he was returning to normal. “I- I wanted to apologize to you.”

Joshua dug through his wardrobe, throwing on a big shirt that belonged to everybody at one point. It seemed that now it was Joshua’s turn with the well-loved article of clothing. “Why do you want my forgiveness? You haven’t done anything to me.”

“I guess I wasn’t attentive,” Minghao admitted. “I felt hurt by your behaviour and got mad when I should’ve realized that something was hurting you...You’re always so kind. I- I should’ve noticed.”

Joshua sighed. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at anybody.”

“Even him?” Minghao asked quietly, eyes wide. 

“What?” Joshua asked, eyebrows raised in interest. “Can’t even bear to say his name? Is Sejoon too hard for you?”

Minghao stood, getting closer and ignoring Joshua’s mocking. “Hyung, will you press charges against him?”

Joshua sat on the bed, shaking his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Minghao sounded angry. “He deserves it!”

“I don’t want to tell my story to some judge while Sejoon sits there and picks me apart. He...He had so much power over me, Hao. I don’t even know how he got under my skin.”

“He was manipulative...You know, I actually read an article. It said that once perpetrators are punished, victims often find comfort and closure. Maybe the reason that you’re feeling so conflicted and vulnerable is that Sejoon hasn’t faced what he’s done. Maybe you can’t either.”

“Oh, so because you read an article, I have to see the man that destroyed my life for months? It hurts!”

Minghao flinched. “No...I didn't mean-”

“It hurts so much that I can’t fucking breathe, and you think that I should tell everybody that I didn’t know- didn’t know if I’d be raped every time I saw him. I didn’t know if I’d live to see tomorrow. And- and what if they asked why I didn’t tell anybody? What would I say then? Sorry, I was trying to defend him? I thought he cared about me? The judge would think I’m a fucking nutcase. Everybody thinks I’m a fucking nutcase!” He screamed the last bit at the top of his lungs, carried up in his anger and frustration.

He paused, noting the sudden silence in the apartment. The screaming from the video game battle in the living room had gone silent. They were listening to him, making sure that he wouldn’t attack anybody. Listening for what he had to say next. Joshua hated having an audience.

“Damn it,” Joshua backtracked, falling back onto the bed and laughing- actually chuckling. Minghao was disturbed. “You know, maybe it would help. Maybe if I spat in Sejoon’s face, I wouldn’t feel his hands in my pants. Maybe, I wouldn’t hear glass shattering around me from the paperweight he’d just aimed at my head. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the shame of calling myself a slut to defend him.”

Minghao nodded, laying a hand on Joshua’s knee to push himself off the bed, turning back to him before he reached the door. “Maybe is worth something, hyung. Isn’t it worth a try?”

Joshua sat back on the bed, focusing on the way his chest rose and fell with the inflation of his lungs. It was something he’d started doing recently- a very helpful tactic for when he felt like a panic attack was close.

“Maybe is worth something,” he repeated back to himself, running his fingers along the bed. “Maybe is worth something.” 

If he said it enough, would it be true?  
…

He woke up at two that morning, heart beating rapidly against his chest and bed drenched with sweat. It had become common since the ‘incident’ as he called it. He didn’t talk about it much. It was ironic, right? As soon as Sejoon was behind bars, he was struggling to sleep, struggling to breathe. He hadn’t flinched when somebody set a bowl down too hard before. He hadn’t screamed at Minghao for trying to help him. He hadn’t cried out when-

His eyes widened comically, jumping back as he saw a shadow approaching him in the darkness of the hallway, Dino’s outlet lights giving the walls a gentle glow. In the dead of night, it was terrifying and ghastly.

“Hey, it’s just me. What’re you doing up?”

He forced his heart to slow. “Got thirsty,” he murmured, trying to push past Jeonghan. He really was not the person he wanted to talk to. Jeonghan had been the one to hold him close when they finally stopped Sejoon but before that- well, Jeonghan was not Joshua’s favorite person. He still wasn’t. Jeonghan held out an arm, sighing.

“I think we need to talk.”

“I think we don’t.”

“Joshua, stop.” He grabbed Joshua’s shoulder, pulling away when he flinched, recoiling like a spooked animal. It made the American hurt, knowing that he’d been reduced to this- this terrified, weak shell of himself.

He paused, pursing his lips, bowing his head, and facing Jeonghan. “What do you want?”

“You’re mad that I told Seungcheol the sex rumor.”

“Yes,” he hissed, narrowing his eyes to slits. “...And If you’re looking for forgiveness, forget it. I know why you did it, but I won’t- I can’t be okay with you betraying me.”

“I don’t need you to forget what I did!” he insisted, hands out in front of him desperately. It was obvious he wanted to hold Joshua. “Just...please, put yourself in my shoes. I didn’t know what else I could do! I just...I wanted to help you, and-”

“You could’ve chosen to respect my privacy and treat me like a friend would. You hurt-” he paused, voice cracking. “You hurt me, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan looked ready to cry. “I didn’t want to. I never wanted to.”

“Well you did, and you can’t take that back, so stop begging for me to tell you it’s okay. It’s not.” He pushed past him, gasping when his hand wrapped around his arm tightly. Before he could even react, he was pulled into Jeonghan’s hug. He sobbed. Tears dripped down his pale cheeks and onto Joshua’s shirt.

“I know,” he whimpered. “I know I can’t, but I miss you so- so much. I just want everything to go back to how it was before Sejoon- before everything. I love you, Shua. I love you. I love you so much.”

He gasped, hands not hugging back but not pushing away. “I know...I know that, but...Jeonghan, I don’t-no, I can’t trust you anymore. I was hurting, and I know that- that partly, it was my fault, but...I needed you. More than anything, I needed you, and you weren’t there. I don’t know if things will ever be like they were before.”

He gently pushed away and padded back to his room, not looking back. It hurt to much.

“Will you try?” Joshua paused, hand on his doorknob. “For me? Please? If you still love me, will you please- please try to trust me again? I love you, Joshua.”

Shivers crept down his spine. He’d trusted. He’d been hurt. He’d trusted again. He’d been hurt again. He was terrified to do that. He was terrified to become close to another person. What if- what if, after everything he’d been through, he made the same mistakes? He would fall again, and he couldn’t let that happen. 

…But for Jeonghan? Would he try for Jeonghan?

A tear rolled down his cheek. “Yes,” he whispered, “I’ll try.” He opened his door and closed it softly behind him, letting out a deep breath. “I love you too, Hannie.”

...

He sat in the ‘leader chair’ as they liked to call it, a cheap one person seat with springy rope. It was dark blue and purple with metal legs and a soft padded seat that groaned when you sat in it. He’d called the meeting. Joshua was the leader. He sat in the leader seat.

He cleared his voice in the silence. “I know I haven’t talked about what happened,” he began, scratching his head. “I didn’t want to seem like I was...broken, or- or trying to get attention, or something equally as sad and degrading- not that there’s anything wrong with being broken, it’s just that- well, I’m...I guess I’m having a hard time accepting that maybe I’m not as solid as I thought, so...I-uh, I’ve decided that I need closure.”

He picked at the chair. “Maybe if I press charges, Sejoon will go to prison for a long time. Maybe knowing that he’s being punished will make me happier. More than likely, I think that it’ll just make me feel guilty. Things weren’t supposed to happen this way, you know...I wasn’t supposed to end up this unstable and traumatized, and he- well, I don’t know. He wasn’t supposed to go to jail, but still...” he sighed.

He glanced up at their faces, many looking close to tears. “The whole thing was that even if I feel like the bad guy for putting him in prison, it could make me feel closure, and for the rest of you too. I know this wasn’t supposed to happen for you guys, and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve hurt you all. I know that. I hope that despite the hell that I’ve put you through, you’ll still help me with this whole thing.”

There were objections from the members and cries of support.

“That’s basically all I wanted to say for now,” he ended awkwardly. “Thank you for being patient while I made up my mind. I…” he chuckled, wiping his wet eyes with his sleeve. “This is hard. Uhm, I decided to take a chance for all of us...I’ve...I’ve decided to press charges.”

The members stood awkwardly, holding hands with one another as a few of them cried.

“You can hug me,” Joshua laughed. “I’m not going to give you a black eye.”

Mingyu was the first in the group hug, rolling his eyes and wrapping his arms around his brother. “You’re so brave, hyung.”

“Don’t be a sap,” Joshua slapped his back good-naturedly. “All I ask is that you come to the trial in case I need you to beat somebody else up for me.”

“Any time,” Mingyu promised, resting his chin on top of the American’s head. Joshua felt warm, crowded, nervous, and incredibly loved. 

A hand wrapped around his and he made eye contact with Jeonghan, looking sad and proud and so deeply loving that Joshua felt a pang in his chest. He squeezed his brother’s hand, nodding smally with an upturn of his lip. They understood each other perfectly, like it was their own language. “I love you,” he said. “I forgive you. I trust you.”

He was scared- scared that when he saw Sejoon again, he’d feel powerless and broken, feelings that he’d been trying to dominate since he’d been fired. He felt guilty for letting himself be hurt, guilty for hurting everybody else. He felt small, like the judge would cast him aside because it had been his fault after all. Underneath, all of it, he felt hopeful.

Maybe, just maybe, it would all be okay.

And maybe had to be worth something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I've changed the chapter count because I've been inspired by a few of your comments to write a small bonus chapter.  
> I'm asking one thing of y'all, though- do any of you want to request anything for future works? I might in all honesty never get around to writing them, but some of you guys are really creative, and I'd love to hear any ideas! Requests for future works are always welcome :) Just to clarify, I've finished this work in particular. 
> 
> Thanks for all the love. Stick around for the little mini-aftermath!
> 
> (6/19/20 - just realized that I spelt behavior as behaviour like a brit 😠😠 still not gonna change it tho 😜)


	12. Chapter 12 - Bonus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In appreciation for every one of you :)

Joshua pulled at his jacket sleeves, eyebrows knit in concentration and heart racing in his chest. His head was pulsing, thoughts muddled. There was only a tall oak door separating him and Sejoon. Sejoon would look at him, talk to him. He let out a shuddering breath. Could he even do this?

A hand slid into his, squeezing softly. “You feeling alright?” 

He glanced at Seungcheol, feeling about ready to cry. He had to testify- tell what happened to him- tell everybody what Sejoon did. He was not okay. Not at all. “No,” he whispered meekly, voice cracking. He glanced behind him, seeing his little brothers, all dressed up in nice suits and pretending to mind their own business. “I can’t do this,” he whispered, even more quiet than before, leaning in toward Seungcheol.

“You want to know what I think?”

Joshua hummed, wanting to hear his voice to distract himself. “Please.”

“I think that if you really couldn’t do this, you wouldn’t be here right now. I think,” he whispered, laying a hand on Joshua’s shoulder- warm. Always warm. Soft. Grounding. “I think you’re a lot tougher than me. A lot tougher than people think.”

He bit down on his lip, staring at the door as if it were transparent. At any moment, they would open it and pull him in. He would be at Sejoon’s mercy. “He’s going to be in there.”

“We’re going to be in there,” Seuncheol added. “Don’t think of it like you’re telling the court what Sejoon did to you. Think of it like you’re telling us. Your brothers.”

“I couldn’t even tell you,” Joshua pointed out, wringing his hands. “The younger ones, I don’t want them to- to know what happened.”

“They’re a lot tougher than you think too. They’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

Joshua wiggled his toes, his fingers, flexed his arm muscles, rotated his head. He was there. He was alive. He was strong. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

“I promise too.”

Joshua glanced behind him, seeing Chan standing behind him with a small smile. The youngest slipped his hand into his just as Seungcheol had done. “We all promise. Right?”

There were murmured agreements from the boys. Joshua made eye contact with each of them, heart slowing down each time. Whatever happened in that room, they wouldn’t let him get hurt. It would be okay...All he had to do was testify.

“Joshua Hong?” He gulped a breath, turning to the serious looking lady. “It’s time.”

…

He kept his eyes on the floor, following the woman to the front and breathing in time with the click of her heels. If he couldn’t see Sejoon, he wasn’t there. If he didn’t look, he was brave. If Sejoon couldn’t get to him, Joshua would finally be healed.

“Joshua, repeat after me. I solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

Joshua swore in, sweaty fingers sticking to the cover of the bible. He forced a smile on his face as the holy book was taken away. 

“Stand right up there and introduce yourself.”

He shuffled forward, now at the front of the room. The judge was next to him. There was a microphone in front of him. It was like a press conference. He looked out onto the crowd- suited men and women. Officers. His members. His family. His lawyer. No press, thankfully. They’d banned them. No press. No press. Joshua’s secret was in the hands of every person in the room. But there was no press.

“Uhm,” he cleared his throat, remembering the judge’s instructions. “My n-name is Hong Jisoo.”

He caught sight of Sejoon sitting in front of him, orange jumpsuit seeming threatening all on his own. His face was emotionless. It was terrifying. He wanted to shrivel up and cry.

“Is that your birth name?”

“I- uhm, Joshua Hong...I was born in America, so-”

“Okay, continue with your testimony. Start with how you met him.”

He took a glance at his members, seeing them nod in motivation. Deep breath. Gather thoughts.

Where should he start? When he met him, all those months ago. “The new manager wasn’t anybody worth worrying about…”

And he told his story. Not Sejoon’s. His. Because he did not belong to Sejoon. He was independent. He was strong. 

When he was finished, silence. Until his voice pierced through it- slow, meticulous, knowing exactly the effect it would have on him.

“Very good story, Joshua. Thank you for sharing.”

He brought his eyes up to meet Sejoon’s as his lawyer protested the interaction between the two. This wasn’t supposed to happen- just the testimony. The judge held his hand up for silence. He turned to the man standing next to him. 

“Joshua, is there anything you’d like to say to Sejoon before we reach the verdict?”

Joshua hardened his features and practically spat at him. “Rot in hell.”

The judge nodded. “Very well. The verdict, spokesman?”

A man stood up from the jury, hands held in front of him. “Guilty, your honor.”

“Sejoon, you have been found guilty on all counts and sentenced to twenty four years in prison. This court is adjourned.”

Gavel met wood. Standing. Numbly walking to the door. He was done. He was fine.

Joshua Hong was finally beginning to think that everything would trully be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking along this wild ride! I will hopefully write more works in the future, and if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. It's been real y'all. I hope you enjoyed it and will read my future works as well.
> 
> -JC

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if you'd like!


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